The Park at the Domain - 11601 Domain Dr, Austin, TX 78758

Do you like eating brunch?  Sure you do.

Do you like having conversations with your friends while you're eating?  Probably.

Do you like wearing shorts when it's 125-degrees outside?  It's a damn near necessity.

So what's my point?  That you should pass right on by The Park if you like doing the above things.  They apparently don't allow baggy clothes, especially shorts, or wife-beater tees.  It's fine to have a dress code, but when you fail to include this dress code on your website -- where people go to get information about your establishment -- you're going to piss off some people.  Yeah, maybe you don't give a shit that you pissed *these* people off.  After all, they were dressed for the Austin heat, and we just can't support that insane idea at Park at the Domain.  But word of mouth is a powerful thing.  That's all I'm saying.

As far as having conversations while you're eating, you best remember to have your loudest friends in tow.  Because that one timid, bashful friend with the voice as delicate as a tulip?  You won't hear a thing she has to say, if she bothers to say anything at all, and this is even if your group sits outside.  I couldn't hear the three women sitting two people away from me, so I had to smile, nod, laugh, and pretend I heard whatever joke was just told, all the while wishing we would just pay our checks and leave so we could go outside the restaurant where I could actually look into my friends' eyes instead of reading their lips.  Even once we got outside, we still had to speak loudly.  Also, Park, your DJ sucks ass.  I don't need no Lady Gaga at 200 decibels while I'm fighting a hangover.

Service wasn't bad.  Our waitress, for the most part, was on top of her game.  I noticed all the waitresses are young and modelesque.  I suspect it must be an employment requirement, like it used to be for stewardesses.  I have no desire to ever wait tables again, but I assume I'm not quite pretty enough to work here.  Wouldn't want to, anyway.  The horrible acoustics would render me deaf and insanely angry.

As far as the food, it was decent.  The brunch is $15, all you can eat.  They really didn't have that much food to offer, quite frankly.  My first plate consisted of some sort of cheesy rice casserole with carrots and broccoli, which I enjoyed.  Rice is really carby, though, and thus wreaks havoc with my blood sugar, so I only had one helping of this.  If my immune system wasn't such a bitch as to have given me type 1 diabetes, I would have helped myself to a plateful of this casserole alone.

Also somewhat enjoyed a scoop of green bean casserole, which involved cheese and french-fried onion strings.  My only problem with this dish was that another type of strings were still attached to the green beans.  These strings were attached to the beans when they grew and were picked, and they should be removed prior to cooking.  Why?  Because they're extremely difficult to chew.  If not for these pesky things, I would have enjoyed the dish a lot more.  For what it's worth, I have named this dish "green string casserole".

I put a delicious-looking rib on my second plate, along with a several scoops of green string casserole and caesar salad, but I was too full to eat much of anything on that plate.  The rib sat there taunting me.  I toyed with the idea of stuffing it in my face, but I declined.

Best chocolate chip cookie ever.  Park provides a whole table full of various desserts, all of which looked delicious.  I tried some sort of mousse petit four thingie, which made me thankful I'm not allergic to chocolate.  The chocolate chip cookie, though, had me devising ways of sneaking several more of them onto my person so I could take them home and sneak them INTO my person.  I nearly put a churro on my plate, but when I attempted to pick one up with the tongs, it seemed awfully hard.  No thanks.

Despite delicious desserts and somewhat-scrumptious casseroles, I can think of several other places I'd rather spend $15.  Eating a couple of sammiches at a quiet Jersey Mike's would be an excellent example.

Big Daddy's Burgers and Bar - 9070 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78758

The Bad Boy Grilled Cheese Burger was pretty bad.

Close-up of the Bad Boy Grilled Cheese Burger.  See the wimpy limpy bacon?

The Caucasian milkshake. It had a cherry once.

Much like "Big Daddy" Pollitt of Cat On a Hot Tin Roof hates mendacity, I, too, hate it.  I include people who hide things under the umbrella of mendacity; thus, Big Daddy's Burgers & Bar belongs in that list.

You'll find a short list of frozen drinks that sound incredible, from kahlua and espresso vodka of the Caucasian (still haven't figured out why they gave it that name), to the surprisingly tangy goodness of the frozen screwdriver.  What you WON'T find on this menu is prices.  There's a reason for this.  The reason is that you pretty much have to take out a small loan to afford a drink here.  Seeing the price ahead of time would likely cause you to order a simple iced tea instead.  The frozen screwdriver cost my friend nine bucks.  My Caucasian cost me $12, and it was in a regular pint glass.

Is it worth the $12, Catherine?

Unlike Vincent Vega, I didn't think the shake was "pretty fucking good".  Like Vincent Vega, I didn't think it was worth the money.  It wasn't even worth $5.  I normally like heavy pours, but this was too heavy to enjoy.  It was like they wanted to get me drunk so my taste buds would find just about anything there tasty.  Didn't work, though.  The particular alcohol they used didn't seem to go well with the ice cream.  A $12 adult milkshake will hit you a good hour later and make you realize you've had enough alcohol for the night, though, so perhaps it was slightly worth the price tag in that regard.  My friend said his frozen screwdriver was more like an adult slurpee.  Yeah, that makes sense.  If you have a second one, you'll likely be slurring and peeing yourself.  My friend felt pretty tipsy from the one a couple of hours later.

I ordered the Bad Boy Grilled Cheese Burger, and my friend got the Goodfella burger.  He said his burger was pretty good, but that he wouldn't actively seek it out again.  'Nuff said there, I think.  Mine was great in concept, but poor in execution.  Both our meat patties were vastly overcooked.  It's like, why did the waitress bother frigging asking us how we wanted our patties cooked if the chef was just gonna cook it well-done??  Don't get my hopes up like that, man.  I wanted blood oozing out of that patty, rather than just grease.

Something else wrong with this burger is that the grilled onions didn't dance well with the other ingredients.  The rest of the burger was doing the twist, while the grilled onions were doing the Roger Rabbit.  I guess I should explain what all else comes on this burger:  Top bun is a grilled cheddar cheese sammich with bacon; bottom bun is a grilled cheddar cheese sammich with jalapenos; and a fried egg made an appearance.

The bacon was undercooked and limp.  Ick!  I took it off the sammy.  Also took the jalapenos off the other sammy.  They didn't taste bad, or anything; I just didn't prefer them.  Also scraped off all the onions.  The burger was huge, so at least there was that.  I may have a big mouth sometimes, but it wasn't big enough to shove the burger into, so I had to take knife and fork to it.  No problem.  I got about halfway through it before I got full, which is fine because it just wasn't worth the calories and stomach acid anyway.

This burger cost me fourteen bucks on its own, but I got hit with a $1.50 fee for subbing onion rings for the fries.  The rings were the best things on the plate.  They had a nice kick to them.  The grilled cheese sammiches on their own, minus the wimpy limpy bacon and japs, were pretty tasty.  This meal cost me $28 before tip.  So glad my date paid for his own; I'd have to file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy if I paid for both of us.

Lavaca Street Bar - 405 Lavaca St, Austin, TX 78701

Friend Monica once misunderstood another friend as calling this place Vodka Tree Bar.  It's cute and true, so it's going in the history books.  I'd been to Vodka Tree Bar a handful of times and enjoyed the free popcorn and strong drinks, but I'd never eaten their food.  Not until last night, that is.

Friends and I got tipsy at Ginger Man down the street and decided to move the party to Vodka Tree.  Why?  Because I was hungry, dammit.  I ordered the mini corn dogs, and others ordered the loaded nachos and garlic Ranch chicken wings.  Upon first bite of corn dog, friend James and I exclaimed, "Holy shit, these are almost as good as 219 West's corn dogs!"  While I suddenly regretted not having suggested 219 West as a post-tipsy venue, I was happy with my calorie-laden purchase.

Upon seeing "loaded nachos" on the menu, James expected them to contain strippers.  Unfortunately, they instead contained peppers.  But, hey, when in Austin...  Complain-y James complained, "I want the strippers on the nachos!  The waitress said they came with everything, dammit!"  Actually, the waitress said they came with a "plate of amazingness", and strippers aren't amazing, really.  Though, the menu did say the nachos were *loaded*, and most strippers *do* like to drink, so I can understand how James could have made that joking mistake.

And the nachos were pretty amazing.  It was difficult to get everything on one nacho chip, though.  All the japs were over there, and the sour cream was over here, and the guac was way over yonder (thankfully) so it wasn't a good literal mix.  And the chips began to sog, and therefore couldn't handle the weight.  Nonetheless, I shoved a few loaded chips in my loaded self.  At least the refried beans were spread about nicely.

I'm not normally a fan of flavored chicken wings, but these garlic-Ranch thingamajigs converted me.  The crispiest of crispy-ass breading on those mothers, with this fabulous Ranch-y creaminess and garlicky tang, and Ranch and bleu cheese dressings on the side.  And then, friends Chris and Mickey dipped popcorn in the bleu cheese.  I tell you what, if you've had enough to drink, bleu cheese popcorn is the next big thing.  Willing to bet it tastes decent sober, too.

Speaking of popcorn, I probably ate three pitchers-full on my own.  I popped so much popcorn in my popper that my jeans' button nearly popped.  Popcorn fights broke out, with popcorn ending up down we ladies' shirts.  I found a piece of popcorn in my bra when I got home.  I ate it and passed out.

To drink, I started out with a Jack and Coke, which is something I never do because I drink diet sodas and don't especially like Jack.  However, I wanted several more of Vodka Tree's Jack and Coke drinks.  After the first, I tried a sip of James' girly birthday-cake shot.  Rimmed with red sugar, I imagine that even Miss Strawberry Shortcake wouldn't taste as sweet if you ate her *cherry pie*.  I ordered a girly berfday shot of my own, apologized to my pancreas, and took a sip.  Friend Quani jokingly criticized me for sipping, but honestly, it tasted so good I wanted to savor it.  I followed this up with a Lone Star and another pitcher-full of buttery popcorn.

That kept me satisfied on the drive to Hideout Pub, until I got pulled over on 6th St for speeding.  Luckily for me, friend Thresher once showed me a trick to get out of getting a ticket.  And no, it doesn't involve cash or bra-removal, or even popcorn.

Peached Tortilla - Moving Target, Austin, TX

In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters.  Then God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.  Then God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered into a single basin, so that the dry land may appear." And so it happened.  Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth vegetation: every kind of plant that bears seed and every kind of fruit tree on earth that bears fruit with its seed in it." And so it happened.

Then God helped Eric Silverstein create The Peached Tortilla, and God had to take more than the Sabbath Day off because it was so fucking delicious.  And what a handsome lad Eric is, too.

Whether you believe in God or not, believe in The Peached Tortilla.  Good eats, good employees...  So glad I found this place!

I follow them on Twitter, so I always know where they're gonna be.  I had tweeted to ask the first day I went, beforehand, where they would be for lunch that day.  When they tweeted back to me that they'd be in the Arboretum from noon until 2pm, I was all over it, intending to get there by noon.  Then, around 11:40, I got a tweet telling me, specifically, they were running late, but that they'd be at the Arboretum by 12:45.  That's class, folks.  Had he not tweeted that to me, I would have been there by noon wondering where on God's green earth they were.  Since the owner tweeted a warning to me, I knew not to show up until 12:45.  And the owner even knew who I was, based on my Twitter profile, when I showed up there.

First time I went, I got a bbq brisket tortilla (brisket, jalepeno slaw, and smoky roasted peach bbq sauce), and some Belgian fries with bacon Ranch dipping sauce.  Why is it that *I* can never think of putting bacon and Ranch together?  Seems like a natch, but I'm no culinary prodigy.  Thankfully for people like me, there ARE culinary prodigies who put these things together.

It wasn't the best brisket I've ever eaten, but it was still quite good, and the peach bbq sauce made my mouth beg for more, as did the bacon Ranch.  I couldn't eat all the fries, and that made me depressed for a few minutes.  But I felt better once it occurred to me that I could simply go back again and get more food some other day.


Since then, I've tried the catfish taco, on corn tortilla, and that has become my favorite item.  The crunchy cornmeal catfish... the cabbage, the creamy slaw, the spicy mayo... ohhhh, the foodgasm!  THE FOODGASM!  I'm going back again today for more, I tell you!

I now stalk Peached Tortilla.  When they're at the Arboretum, I'm there.  When they're at the Domain, I'm there.  They should come by my house, as I'm usually there, too.  I buy a brisket taco, a catfish taco, and a drink, and I slink away to hide and eat, carefully watching their activities, like a vice cop stalking a man propositioning a prostitute.

Okay, no, I don't stalk Peached Tortilla.  I've actually only been several times.  (Heh, yeah, ONLY several!)  But I plan to go back several MORE times to try a cornucopia of items.  I love the word "cornucopia".  I have a cornucopia of positive emotions when I try out Peached Tortilla's food.  And they always have a cornucopia of customers at their trailer.  And if I eat there often enough, I suspect I'll end up with a cornucopia of weight.

***********************************UPDATE****************************************

(Since I tried the banh mi slider on 7/6, I must write a quick update):

Eric Silverstein has written a love story, and it's called The Peached Tortilla. The main players of interest in this story are: 

 

Mr. Catfish Taco. He's a bit fishy, but don't let that stop you from getting to know him. 

 

Next, we have Sister Brisket Taco. She's corny, and a bit of a meat-head, but she's quite saucy for a nun. 

 

Finally, we have Miss Banh Mi Slider. She'll slide into your life and make you forget about all your problems. She may be a bit of a porker, but she's still sexy, and her kisses are quite delicious.

 

Pick up this love story and find out how these characters get along in their peachy world.  You won't be able to put it down.

Willie's Bar-B-Que and Burgers - 4505 E Martin Luther King Jr Blvd, Austin, TX 78721

Boudin

Spicy brisket

So I ventured here with a gaggle of Google Places users a couple of weeks ago to get the lay of the land, and the food here was so good that I wanted to lay down and stay a while, as bad as my grammar just was.

The brisket had the most wonderful, spicy dry rub on it, but the meat was unfortunately a bit too fatty for my taste.  I mean, do you like chomping on chewiness??  I sure don't.  Though, I did have chewier, fattier brisket that day at other places, to be fair.  I suppose it's difficult to trim away every single solitary piece of naturally-occurring fat.  Despite the fat, I enjoyed what I chewed.

More importantly and deliciously about Willie's, though, is the boudin.  Boudin is white sausage with cajun spices and pork rice dressing.  I admit, I'm not much of a sausage fan, but the spices and pork rice dressing make this dish damn near as delicious as chocolate, in my book.  It was as spicy as all get out, and the texture of moist rice dressing in soft, warm sausage was a god-send.  I kept hoping the other people in my party would hate the boudin so that I could hog it all to myself.  But they didn't.  So then I started devising in my mind various covert missions to sneak as much boudin onto my plate as possible.  This was made significantly easier by the fact that I was sitting nearest the boudin platter, and that none of my friends seemed to mind that I wanted to stuff my face with the cajun stuffing.

So, will I go back to Willie's for more cajun boudin?  Uhhhh... is Mardi Gras a good excuse to get drunk??

Jersey Mike's Subs - 10001 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I admit it, the first time I went here a few years ago, I hated my sammich. The bread was waaaaay too soft, and the ingredients tasted off.

Well, the bread was still a bit too soft for my taste today, but the rest of the sammich sent my taste buds into orbit. That sammich really was outta this world. I got the club supreme, with mayo and lettuce. Almost got oil and vinegar on it, but decided against it at the last moment. But I now see that oil and vinegar would taste excellent on this sammy. Next time.  I still think Potbelly has the best subs in town, but Jersey Mike's will get some occasional biz from me.

It's a little expensive, though. A regular sammich with a regular drink cost me over $8.  Hey, Mike, your sammiches aren't THAT great.  At those prices, you'd have me thinking there's gold in the mayo.  So, the sammiches may be outta orbit, but so are the prices.

http://www.jerseymikes.com

G'Raj Mahal - 91 Red River, Austin, TX 78701

Finally got around to trying this place, and I've gotta say, G'Raj and Bombay Bistro are battling it out on my taste buds for bestest Indian food in town. The saag paneer is simply delicious. Great, creamy cubed cheese, fantastically tasty and healthy spinach, and even a nice spicy kick. Great with their rice and garlic naan. I absolutely fell in love with the food.  To the point that I would almost be willing to buy a house on Rainey St and deal with the constant influx of people, just so I could be close enough to get my fix on a regular basis.  

My taste buds can't decide between Bombay Bistro and G'Raj Mahal.  I think I need to stage a food war on my tongue.  I need to figure out some way to get food from both places (and ensure both stay hot enough in the meantime).  That'll be hard, considering how far away from each other they are.  But if I manage to pull it off, I can see how it would go:

Bombay Bistro comes out of the corner with a delicious belt to the left taste buds.  G'Raj Mahal, a south paw, fights back with a  tasty punch to the tongue...

My only complaint about G'Raj Mahal is the price. $11 I paid for maybe a cup/cup-and-a-half of the saag paneer. It's Indian food, not gold. Sheesh!

http://www.grajmahalaustin.com/

Crow's Burger Shop - 613 Waco Rd, Belton, TX, 76513

When you live in Belton, you have no idea what a good burger tastes like.  You probably haven't been to Austin and experienced burgers like Hut's, Fran's, Casino el Camino, or Nau's Enfield.  Though you haven't tried a decent burger, your nose is still high in the air as you negatively compare a McDonald's burger to a Crow's burger. 

My friend, Quani, and I were in Belton to see ZZ Top and Lynyrd Skynyrd, and we found several extremely positive Yelp reviews about Crow's, including two from personal friends of ours.  Either some of my friends have really bad taste in burgers, or the worst cook in the history of man was on duty that day.

Quani and I each got a cheeseburger and french fries, and Quani got a chocolate shake.  I suspect she thought the shake was the best part of her meal.  We're both food reviewers, and neither of us were happy with our food.

Service was pretty fantastic.  You order at the counter of this teeny shack, pay (they amazingly accept credit cards), and wait for your bag.  They even have a makeshift drive-thru.  They had no problem taking the tomato and mustard off my burger or adding mayo.  So we got our bags and ventured to one of about five shaded picnic tables in the muddy grass.
 
The main problem is the meat patty.  After all, the meat patty makes your burger.  If you've got poor-quality, badly-cooked meat on a bun, the bun and toppings won't act as much of a saving grace.  In Crow's case, the meat patty was paper thin.  Like, Wendy's thin.  Continuing with the paper theme, I'll say that the burger was so overcooked that we each could've gotten paper cuts on the edges of the incredibly thin meat patties (per Quani).  Once I tore off the incinerated pieces, the burger was just barely decent-tasting.  Very plain, and dry as fuck.  I like a little juiciness in my burger.  A little blood cascading down my wrists is even better, but if a place is unwilling to cook it medium rare, I'll take the juiciness.  The fries were fat fuckers with no skin, no crunch, little grease, and too little salt.  I'm not much of a fry person, but I prefer my fries to be thinner, greasier and crunchier.

Frankly, McDonald's is nearly on par with this place.  Actually, I would prefer McDonald's if I ever stop in Belton for a burger again.

360 Uno - 3801 N Capital of Texas Highway, Austin, TX 78746

So my friend and I decided to try this place out for brunch during Austin Restaurant Week.  Got the Frittata Prosciutto e Formaggi, which is a fluffy omelette with loads of mozzarella cheese mixed in, with prosciutto, atop a pizza crust.  When I brought the first slice to my face, my eyes bugged out and I nearly retched from the smell.  Saying it was awful would be putting it lightly.  It was deadly, as in you'd rather die than smell this again.  To give you some idea, it smelled like old, used cat litter.  Pulling my bravery out of storage, I took a careful bite... and I was wowed.  The taste was delectable.  The omelette was so incredibly fluffy, and the amount of creamy cheese in there made me glad I didn't give cheese up for Lent.  The prosciutto was decent, but I tired of it quickly, so I scraped a lot of it off.


Brunch also came with dessert and one of three mimosa drinks.  I got one called a Puccini, which is prosecco and OJ.  I should have remembered I'm not a prosecco fan, but I didn't.  I'll admit, the name spoke to me more than the ingredients did.  I wasn't happy with the drink, but I suffered through it.


Dessert was profiteroles, and they were the epitome of yumminess.  Delicious cream inside a pastry, covered with ooey-gooey chocolate.  Num.  Hit me again, waitress!  My pancreas hated me for eating that, but I didn't care.  Shut up, pancreas.


I looked over their gelato offerings and was disappointed.  Only six flavors they offer, and they're pretty standard ones: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, orange, peanut butter, and coffee.  Thankfully, other places in town offer more gelato flavors.

Carmelo's - 504 E 5th St, Austin, TX 78701

Please don't tickle the waiter!

Alaskan king salmon "spiked" in lemon juice, with mushroom risotto

Decided to try this place out with a friend for Austin Restaurant Week recently, and we were both pretty disappointed.  I think it's important to point out, however, that neither of us ate anything decidedly Italian.

We each got the grilled wild Alaskan king salmon, "spiked" with lemon juice, served with mushroom risotto, and I found the risotto to be the tastiest part, despite the fact that it wasn't any tastier than my mother's stroganoff.  Don't get the wrong impression, my mother's beef stroganoff is exceptionally tasty and I crave it now as I write this, but I expect a downtown high-class restaurant, with prices to match, to have even better-tasting food.

The fish was decent tasting, though ever so slightly overcooked.  I honestly think the extremely liberal coating of lemon juice ruined it for me.  And the mushroom risotto just wasn't anything special.  The fish and risotto are nothing I couldn't do myself at home, which leaves me in a very unfortunate position, with regard to rating Carmelo's fare.

The point is, Austin Restaurant Week is a time when restaurants are supposed to put on their best bib and tucker, in order to garner new business.  Newbies come to your place to try the best of your best (at least, I assume you would put your best efforts on the ARW menu).  When the food you offer for ARW makes me wish I had saved my gas, time and money, you've got a problem. 

The dessert I had -- blackout chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream -- was slightly better than the entree, mainly because of the heaping helping of chocolate chips in the batter.  I'm a chocolate fiend, friends, but I found the cake a bit too dry in some places; it was inconsistently moist.  And the Amy's Mexican vanilla ice cream was a bad choice.  Mexican vanilla just didn't go well with this cake, folks.  I came nowhere near finishing the dessert, and it wasn't because I was full (the entree failed to fill me up).  The best part of the meal was the presentation of my friend's hazelnut creme brulee.  The waiter torched it with the flamethrower right there at our table.  'Twas fun and interesting to watch, almost like going to a hibachi grill for a birthday dinner, which I soon desired in place of the meal I'd been served at Carmelo's.

Despite the sheer excitement of my friend's dessert, service was patchy.  We couldn't decide who our server was because we had at least three.  They were all nice, and were great about refilling our teas, but getting and paying our checks took an eon.  This is a major problem in the vast majority of Austin restaurants, as I have found in the last decade, and it never ceases to annoy me.  Suppose my friend and I had been on a lunch break from work?  There was no way we would have made it back to work in an hour, even if we worked right next door.

I see no reason to try Carmelo's again.  They played a pair of deuces on a day that they should have been playing a straight flush.  They should have folded instead, and I suspect they will soon.

Italo's Pizza - 1600 East 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

String Cheese Theory!

10" pizza with burger topping

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips! (I had five)

String Theory suggests that the electrons and quarks within an atom are not 0-dimensional objects, but rather 1-dimensional oscillating lines ("strings").  String Cheese Theory suggests that if you find the right pizza, 3-dimensional cheese will end up stuck to your teeth, chin, shirt, and anything else within a 6-mile radius.

Italo's has such a pizza to fit String Cheese Theory.  See the first picture for proof.

Quani and I tried out Italo's a couple of weeks ago with a Nab-the-Deal coupon I had.  She got a cheese calzone that she liked, and I got a 10-inch pizza with ground beef topping.

String Cheese Theory also suggests that if you find this rare pizza, you will fall absolutely in love with it.

And I did.  Finding this pizza was like finding the Holy Grail, and the Grail Knight appeared and told me, "You have chosen wisely."  I was in utter Heaven every time I took a bite.  The cheese's flavor was divine, the ground beef was phenomenal, and the sauce was light.  I was barely able to finish all of it.  As I sit here hammering on the keys, I lustfully crave this pizza, and I plan to go back soon, now that the SXSW madness has ended.

And the orange whips are tasty tipsy treats.  You can get a regular (orange juice and vodka, so basically a frozen screwdriver) for $3.25, or the orange whip a la Italo (with cream and tuaca added) for a tad bit more.

Service is good.  Helpful employees who were fairly nice, especially the owner, Ben.  You'll be thrown off by the fact that there are two different registers at Italo's.  One is only for ordering drinks, and the other is only for ordering food.  You also may be thrown off by the fact that there's a $10 minimum purchase on credit tabs, but fear not.  The Italo's owner assured me that they have no problem combining the two tabs.  They're working on getting a POS system to enable one tab for both lines, so give em some time. 

The next time you want pizza, don't let your lazy ass order inferior Papa John's; drive your lazy ass to Italo's and test out the String Cheese Theory.  Find the Holy Grail.  Please your taste buds.

Cheddars - 13301 N Highway 183, Austin, TX 78750

Don'tcha hate it when the restaurant you actually want to go to is crowded over capacity, to the point of being a fire hazard, and you're too hungry to go very far so you end up at the place next door?  This is what happened to me one evening.  I had been craving a steak from Texas Roadhouse, but they were waaaaay too crowded because of, I guess, World Cup.  I remembered this Cheddar's having very good food a few years ago, but the quality went downhill ever since.  But I decided I'd give them another chance.

I didn't let going to Cheddar's stop me from ordering a steak.  And fried shrimp.  With a loaded baked potato.  And steamed broccoli.  And a beeeeeeer.

The steak was actually really good, and I was surprised at how big it was for the low price (damn near 8-oz).  What I was even more surprised about was the fact that they got the cooking temp correct.  The steak was tender; I saw no fat; and the spices they put atop the steak gave it great flavor.  The baked potato was great, too.  The breading on the shrimp was too thick for my taste, but the shrimp itself was good.

Service was top-notch.  Bartender Dorothy gave me whatever I wanted (well, things that she, personally, had control over) whenever I wanted them.  The people sitting next to me were loud, drunk, clumsy and annoying, so I quietly slid over a few seats to escape their insufferable alcoholic madness.  Dorothy said she was getting ready to cut them off, so extra kudos to her.  Personally, I'd rather cut them *up*, but that's just me.

The meal was very filling, to the point where I couldn't even finish my beer.  I didn't want to get a to-go box because I wasn't going home for several hours, so I stuffed as much food as I could in my pie-hole, and lamented the amount of food still left on my plate.  But, hey, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

The very first time I went to a Cheddar's, I expected more, um, cheese on the menu, but Cheddar's has made it back into my rotation anyway.  Congrats on getting your mojo working again, Cheddar's!

The Onion Pizza - 408 Brazos St, Austin, TX 78701

I don't get how this place is thought to be good.  I also can't believe that I forgot to write this review until two weeks after I actually ate there.

The Onion is about a block away from my office, so I figured, "Yay!  There's a nearby pizza place!  Oh, but that would end up being a bad thing if I like the place."  Well, no chance of that happening.

What reminded me to write this review was my good experience at Cozzoli's Pizza at Congress & 7th.

Aside from whole pizzas, calzones and pizza rolls, you can buy individual slices of pepperoni or cheese.  They say on their website that slice "selection varies", but it doesn't.  So if you're a pepperoni loather like me, you're stuck with cheese unless you're hungry enough for a 10-inch pizza.  They, for some reason, refused to add toppings to my slice.  I think this is because they were too daft or stoned to figure out how much extra to charge.

I guess most people who eat downtown lack taste.  This pizza stinks.  The slices are big, but there's barely any cheese on them.  The crust is mediocre tasting and too soft.  At one point I took a bite and almost all of the cheese came with it.  So wrong.

And how many seats did I count in there?  Four?  That's fine if you're taking the pizza to go, but if you feel like getting completely away from the office for lunch, that stinks.

At least The Onion didn't make me cry.

Flemings Prime Steakhouse - 11600 Century Oaks Ter, Austin, TX 78758

Another fake phone call, this time between me and Winthorp of Fleming's:

*Ring-ring*
[WINTHORP]:  Yyyyyeeess?
[ME]:  Hi there.
[WINTHORP]:  ...  yyyyyeeess??
[ME]:  I ate there with a group Sunday evening, and I've gotta say, the experience was a let-down.
[WINTHORP]: And why is that, pray tell?
[ME]:  Okay, I hope you're either recording this phone call, or you've got some paper and a pen because I've got a lot to say.
[WINTHORP]:  [lying] Of course, madam, I intend to write down every complaint you have.
[ME]:  Yeah, right.  Well, anyway, service was incredibly slow for my group of five.  We got there at 6:30, and we didn't get to leave until after 9pm.  I had another social event I wanted to attend, but when my friend texted me at 8pm and I hadn't even gotten my entree yet, I told her to count me out.  Our waiter wasn't just slow; he was stupid, too.  My friend had slightly less than a half glass of champagne left, and the waiter took it as if it was empty.  He sneaked it away from her, but at least he gave her another glass when she complained.  He did try to charge her for that replacement glass, though, which was not cool.  He had no sense of urgency, except in getting that half glass of champagne away from my friend, and he knew very little about the menu.
[WINTHORP]:  And what was your waiter's name?
[ME]:  Fuck if I know.  He was tall, thin, and had longish dark blonde hair that needed a good shampooing.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about that.  But how was the food?
[ME]:  Well, I got the Sunday prime rib special, which I notice you guys jacked up the price recently.  But, considering how expensive everything else on the menu is, and considering you really don't get sides with any other entrees, I felt like this was the best deal.  $36.95 for prime rib, one side (I got baked potato), a caesar salad, and a dessert.  Okay, not bad, but my prime rib was mostly fat.  What the hell am I paying for??  At least the salad and baked potato were big and delicious.  Oh, the lava cake I got for dessert was weird.
[WINTHORP]:  How do you mean "weird"?
[ME]:  I asked for mine without pistachios, and I got the strangest presentation.  My dining mates who ordered the lava cake got whipped cream and ice cream on the same plate as the cake, but I got a separate container full of whipped cream, and another container full of ice cream.  I have no complaints about that, mind you.  What I found interesting was the giant chocolate skid mark on my plate.  [see picture] It seems like your chefs go into danger mode when they're presented with an order that is slightly different from normal.  And the lava cake wasn't even that good.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about--
[ME]:  Jesus tap-dancing Christ... quit saying you're *TERRibly* sorry!  Your saccharine attitude is making my diabetes worse!
[WINTHORP]:  Is there anything we at Fleming's can do to get you in our restaurant again?
[ME]:  Not likely.  Possibly for happy hour, but I'll never come over there for dinner again.
[WINTHORP]:  Well, I'm TERR--
*click*

Roaring Fork - 10850 Stonelake Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I know it's almost blasphemous to give a chain restaurant five stars, but I had the best happy hour at this Roaring Fork.  I went once before, a couple of years ago, but I only had wine, so I didn't really experience too much of the restaurant.  Last year, I had mixed drinks, food and fun with friends.

Edison C., Lorena O., Monica O., Pete N. and I went here for drinks and conversation, and we ended up getting a lot for our money.  We started out in the bar, but with our waiter's help we took our par-TAY to the covered patio where they had comfy couches.  It was almost like hanging out at someone's home, only there were waiters.

Speaking of waiters, one waiter who came by was awfully cute.  He had this almost '70s-Jeff-Lynne hair.  He brought out Pete's food, and he offered to take our orders if we wanted anymore food or drink, even though he wasn't actually our waiter.  Most other restaurants I've been to, if you ask a different waiter for something, he'll say, "I'll tell your waiter."  Our regular waiter was nice and on top of things, as well, but he wasn't as cute as the other one.  Cute, but not as cute.  Is it hot in here?

I started out with an orange mojito that blew my mind.  Monica got some sort of pear-something-or-other that was FABULOUS!  I wanted to order one after I finished my mojito, but I instead decided to get my first ever Old Fashioned.  It was good, but strong.  I couldn't have a third drink and expect to be able to drive home, so that pear-whatever drink will have to wait until next time.  And there will be a next time.  Edison got a huckleberry margarita, which he said he liked, but he also said it was quite strong.  So you won't get watered-down drinks here!

To eat, I got the Hickory-Smoked Salmon.  It came with panini bread, capers, and tartar sauce.  WOW!  The salmon was so tasty and flaky, like that free-spirited guy I went out with once.  And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think that was the best tartar sauce I've ever had.  I just kept slopping it on my panini slices, and loading up the bread with flavorful, perfectly-cooked salmon, and capers.

I didn't try any of the other food, but other food was had by our group.  I believe all was enjoyed.  All was certainly eaten without a problem.  Lorena and I were kinda obsessing over the basket of jalapeno cornbread muffins, meaning we each ate too many of them and asked for a second basket.

Roaring Fork really knows how to take care of you; the service and food were both top-notch, as was the view.  I can't afford to go to Roaring Fork anytime soon for dinner, but I can afford happy hour, or maybe lunch, so I'll definitely be back.  Hell, I'd go back just to get another handful of the delicious chocolate mint sticks they have at the host stand on the way out!

Nau's Enfield Drug - 1115 W Lynn St, Austin, TX 78703

I finally ventured to this place for lunch.  Not only did I learn a lot about Nau's Enfield Drug, but I also learned a lot about Clarksville.  Well, okay, I learned what the housing looks like (cute!), and what other restaurants are around Nau's Enfield (Jeffrey's, Zocalo, Caffe Medici).  I also learned that Nau's carries a fine assortment of joke products, like stink bombs, hot gum, cat-butt magnets, and fart-noise makers.

So I plopped myself down at the old-fashioned counter and ordered a small cheeseburger and iced tea.  The iced tea was pretty much wasted, as I was reminded by the menu -- after I'd ordered -- that Nau's has malts, shakes and sodas.  But which to order?  Should I get a chocolate soda, or a chocolate shake??  Forgive me, pancreas, but I'm gonna hafta order one o' them something-or-others!  But we'll get to that in a minute...

My burger was small but filling.  It wasn't the best burger I've eaten (I still think Hut's is better.  I haven't yet been to Casino, so shut up), but it still was a damn fine burger.  And the service was super friendly.  Towards the end of my meal, I finally ordered a chocolate soda.  And the soda-jerk/counter-dude hit me with an unexpected question:

[Soda-jerk]:  Which kind do you want?
[Me]:  Uhhh... chocolate? I already said that, didn't I?
[Soda-jerk]:  Oh, I know, but we feature two different kinds of sodas.  One involves chocolate and phosphates, and the other involves chocolate, carbonated soda, ice cream, whipped cream, and a cherry.  For the same price.
[Me]:  Well, wow, the latter one sounds a helluva lot better than the first one, so set me up, barkeep!

That dialogue really put a smile on my face.  The cute young soda-jerk was so friendly and helpful.  And that soda was GOOD.  I happily sucked it all the way home (take that statement as you wish).  Jessica S. and a random other friend both told me to get the shake when I posted my soda vs. shake dilemma on Facebook.  Well, guys, I failed you, but I pleased myself.  So there.  Ha!

Patsy's Cafe - 5001 E Ben White Blvd, Austin, TX 78741

What a disappointment.  What's NOT disappointing is that I'd never even heard of this place before I ate there.  And even less disappointing is the fact that I'll never eat at Patsy's again.

A few gals and I volunteered for a couple of hours at Safeplace, and our leader suggested eating at Patsy's afterward.  I was surprised to see how close it was to Catfish Parlor.  I've eaten at that Catfish Parlor, but I never noticed Patsy's.

Parking was a bitch, but that's what happens when you go to lunch at noon.  There were four of us, each in our own car, and three of us ended up making our own parking spaces.

Okay, so I ordered the chicken fried chicken, which came with grilled veggies and mashed potatoes, as well as a small dinner salad with homemade Thousand Island dressing.  I have to say, the dressing was very good, but there was no cheese on my salad, which disappointed me.  I also got a slice of jalapeno cornbread which wasn't too bad.

Here's where things got ugly.  Once our server took our order, she didn't come back to our table until we'd finished our meals.  She didn't check on us, nothing.  And the food...  ick!  My entree looked decent, but it tasted really fake, like Chicken McNuggets fake.  Normally when I cut into a chicken breast, chicken will flake off from the breast into threads.  That didn't happen with Patsy's chicken.  It was one solid mass of school-lunch chicken.  Sysco chicken.  And it didn't even really taste like chicken; it unfortunately tasted more like rubber.  The gravy was subpar, too.  And the mashed potatoes?  They tasted like... get ready... Pepto-Bismol.  No joke.  Pepto-Abysmal, more like.

Speaking of Pepto-Bismol, I wished a couple of hours later that I had some, as Patsy's food gave me the stomach upset.  It's a good thing I didn't have to be anywhere for a few hours.  You can't expect to do that to me and get more than one star.

If Dale Evans and Roy Rogers took the stage at Patsy's and sang "Happy Trails", it'd go more like this:

Unhappy entrails to you, until we meet again.
Unhappy entrails to you, keep shittin' until then.
Who cares about good quality when we're serving?
Just know your health is undeserving.

Some entrails are happy ones;
Others are blue.
It's the way we treat your entrails that counts,
So your entrails are screwed.

Continental Club - 1315 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

I'm no stranger to Continental Club.  The first time I went there was on a first date.  I didn't go out with the guy again, but at least he introduced me to a cool hangout with great live music.

Fast-forward to Wednesday 5pm.  I had a couple of hours to kill before trivia started at BD Riley's, so I walked over to Continental Club to get my groove on.  The band was setting up when I got there, but they didn't start until after I left.  No matter.  The powers that be were playing a Kinks CD, and then a Led Zeppelin CD, both of which I enjoyed.

I got great service, as usual, and had a couple of Lone Stars.  I was incredibly bored, so I went into the back room to shoot some pool.  This is where I have to take away that fifth star.  The tips of every single cue stick were in disrepair.  But it really didn't matter, as I got no cue ball nor 10 ball when I put my 75-cents in the pool table.  I went ahead and shot all the existing balls, but it was incredibly easy to make each shot without a cue ball.  I was looking for something more challenging.

So I sat at the Atari game table and played Ms. Pacman, but the joystick was very hard to control.  I couldn't just stop Ms. Pacman and start going a different direction; she kept rolling along despite my best efforts to stop her.  So I gave up and played Space Invaders until a random guy came into the room, sat down several feet away from me and just stared at me.  Could you make me feel anymore uncomfortable??

I hurried through my first beer, and went back to the bar to get another.  A guy was sitting at the bar with his girlfriend, a Chihuahua.  Ms. Chihuahua was actually seated in one of the chairs.  Cute, but I was actually hoping to sit there and hoping your dog could sit on the floor, but whatever.  I grabbed a little table in view of the band setting up.  That strange guy in the back apparently is with the band, or something, as he was helping unload equipment and instruments.  Glad you found something better to do than stare at me.

I finished my second beer and went on my merry way.  On my way out the door, I caught the distinct smell of armpit odor.  Turned out to be Zen next door.

Creatures Boutique - 1206 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

No food here, but I'm going to include it anyway:

On my way to Continental Club, I stopped in here on a whim.

Oooooh, there's the cutest tee with a record player on it!  How much?  $48.  *#%&$^@$

Wow, those earrings are adorable!  How much?  $38.  That's not as bad as the tee, but $38 for metal and glass??

And then I saw it.  The most fantabulous dress I've ever seen, and it was on the SALE rack.  Perfect!  How much?  No price.  Okay, no problem; I'll try it on and then will ask about price.  So off I go to the dressing room.

The super nice sales clerk came over and convinced me to model the dress for her.  It looked great on me.  Who cares if I'm out of work right now; I can afford one new dress, right?  I haven't bought any new clothes in a really long time.

[Me]:  I didn't see a price on this gem.  How much is it?  [thinking: It couldn't be more than, like, $80.]
[Shop Girl]:  $565.
[Me]:  ???  !!!  &#$@)(&$%^@#$

Okay, Catherine... carefully disrobe so you don't tear it, don your street clothes, and tip-toe away.

San Francisco Bakery & Cafe - 2900 W Anderson Ln, Austin, TX 78757

Something I found out: Roast beef and sprouts generally do not go well together.  Something else I found out: Lisa M's Dallas Nightclub masher isn't quite as socially awkward when he's sober.  At least he wasn't dancing.

Some folks and I went here for lunch.  The place was decently crowded, and the staff was nice.  I ordered the roast beef sammich without carrots on a croissant, with iced tea and a cream cheese-chocolate chip danish.  I ordered everything to go because I knew I'd be eating at Your Mom's later, and I didn't want the two places fighting for room in my belly, so I figured I'd save half my sammich for today.

The sammich was pretty good, but I don't think alfalfa sprouts belong on a roast beef sammy.  I had trouble not eating the whole dang sammich right there, though.

Everyone else seemed to enjoy their food.  I could definitely see myself going back to this place, especially for the desserts.  I only had a bite or two of the cream cheese-chocolate chip paradise yesterday, but I am now going to go downstairs and stuff the rest of it in my mouth.  Thank God I have a treadmill!

Your Mom's Burger Bar - 1701 E Cesar Chavez St, Austin, TX 78702

Your Momma's so phat that most Austinites put their mouths between her buns without a second thought.

I hate to disagree with the 44,219 people who give Your Mom a high rating, but there was no orgasmatron involved in my lunch today.

I understand that the cheese-inside-the-meat concept is novel, but frankly, it's not good.  Not the way Mom's does it, anyway.  I continually couldn't decide if I wanted to try the cheese outside the patty or not.  Eventually, I decided I wanted to try it with the cheese atop the patty.  Having it inside the patty made it taste retired; past its prime, and a little off.  But who knows, it may have tasted bad had it been atop the patty.  Am I a patty-pooper?  Possibly.  Does Your Mom's stink at making cheese-in-patty delicacies?  More than likely so.  But the patty was cooked too well-done for my taste.  I didn't even get a chance to specify the cooking temp.  I don't like crusty ash on my meat.

Despite the fact that I was a virgin of Your Mom's, I opted not to try the french fries.  I decided on this because I am not much of a french-fry fan, so you should generally take my french-fry reviews with a grain of salt.  Heh, heh-heh, heh... salt.

Service was great, though.  The employees kept offering me french fries and asking how everything was.

If I happen to be east of I-35 on Cesar Chavez during the week during a normal hour, I will more than likely patronize a Messycan restaurant rather than a half-assed burger joint.

Big Top Candy Shop - 1706 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

Places like Big Top Candy Shop are normally death knells for diabetics like me, but read on...

Quani C., Yolanda G. and I checked this place out after lunch at the Snack Bar.

Big Top is very old-fashioned looking, and they have plenty of old-fashioned candy to go with that look.  I saw Hershey's bars with very old-looking wrappers, and even though I quietly wondered just how long those bars had been sitting on the shelf, I thought it was pretty cool.  The candy cigarettes and wax lips caught my eye, too.

I was hoping to get a look at the sugar-free candy, but ironically enough, I got hit with severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and had to sit down while Quani and Yolanda shopped.  But I'll tell you what:  If I could choose a place to have a low-blood sugar episode, Big Top is where I would choose to do it.  Unfortunately, I really didn't have time to stand in line and buy anything to sate my blood sugar, as I would have fainted in the process, so I downed a sugar packet I found in my purse, and Yolanda gave me one of her wax-bottles-filled-with-some-sort-of-sugary-liquid to help me out.  To illustrate how completely off I was, I chomped into the bottom of that wax bottle and sucked all the juice out, instead of using the easy-open area at the top of the bottle so I could drink it.  Once I finally got back to normal and started looking around again, I didn't see any sugar-free candy, but I trust Tara H. when she says she found some there.

My eyes bugged out when I saw some Ghostbusters themed "Slimer Sours" candy ("Don't stare at me; you've got the bug eyes!").  Big Top also had a collection of absinthe-flavored candy.  I ended up buying the Ghostbusters candy, which is watermelon-flavored, and some absinthe dental floss.  Hey, I needed dental floss anyway, and it was there, so...  I think the candy is a bit expensive, though.  Over three dollars for each thing I bought.  I could see paying $3 for the floss, but not for the tiny container of Slimer Sours.  But that's what I get for being a slave to favorite-movie marketing.  I just hope those Slimer Sours hadn't been sitting in the store since 1984.

I also LOVED seeing the Stuckey's candy.  My family and I drove to Austin from Dallas several times per year to visit my maternal grandmother when I was a kid (she lived in 78704 'til she died in '99), and we would almost always stop at Stuckey's along the way.  I do believe there is still one in Italy/Ennis, for those of you who care.  Seeing those Stuckey's pecan logs was like stepping into a DeLorean and traveling back to the '80s.  Well, the Ghostbusters candy helped in that respect, too.  Everything in there was of the past, so you can't help but feel nostalgic.  And Big Top had gummy almost-everything available in the bulk candy section.  I love gummy candy.

I also saw IV bags filled with "blood".  I don't even wanna know how much sugar is in that "blood"!

I'd like to go in here again sometime this week so I can check out the stuff I didn't get to check out during my medical emergency.  Then again, I honestly wouldn't mind checking this place out again during a hypoglycemic fit; it would give me the perfect opportunity to try out one of their sodas!

Snack Bar - 1224 S Congress, Austin, TX 78704

I grabbed a Living Social deal here; $15 for $30 worth of food, and Quani C., Yolanda G. and I checked it out for lunch one day.

The staff was very nice and helpful on the way in, seating us on the patio, but our waitress, although nice and completely educated on the menu, wasn't quite attentive enough.  Yolanda wanted some ketchup with her meal but never got it, and we had to wait a while longer for the check than we wanted to.

I got the SoCo Benny (spinach, salmon, Hollandaise sauce and poached eggs on two buttermilk waffles), which was decent.  Honestly, though, the bites that I couldn't drown in Hollandaise sauce weren't very good, and my eggs were overcooked.  I expect poached eggs to have runny yolks, but these yolks fell asleep at the starting line.

Quani got the Medi Frittata (baked eggs with shrimp, feta and roasted red pepper with mixed greens and homemade lavash).  I tried a bit and thought it tasted pretty good.  It had a nice kick.  I actually don't remember tasting any shrimp, though.

Yolanda got the Bocadillo sammich (grilled squash, zucchini, mushroom, onion, halloumi, and Moroccan sweet-savory spread on toasted baguette, with a side of veggie fries).  I didn't try the sammich, but I did have a veggie fry.  It didn't have much taste at all.

We all enjoyed our food enough, and I think we all agreed on a three-star rating.  The traffic noise from Congress was hard to hear over, but that's obviously not Snack Bar's fault.

I think Snack Bar's main problem is what a lot of other people have mentioned in their reviews:  The fact that Snack Bar concentrates on so many different types of cuisine means that they'll never excel in any one cuisine.  Every restaurant I've ever been to that follows this practice excels only in mediocrity, so I was a bit worried going in.  I don't regret having bought the Living Social deal, but I don't see myself going back to Snack Bar.

Mulberry - 360 Nueces St, Austin, TX 78701

[cue music]:  "In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring."

Entering the tiny Mulberry restaurant, I realized only an Oompa Loompa would feel completely comfortable in there.  I also realized it was incredibly cold and the music was too loud for me to easily hear my brunching companions.  No matter, as all I really cared about was trying out the food.

I was the only person at the table of eight who didn't order a Mimosa ("candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker").  It took quite a while for our drinks to come out.  "The suspense is terrible; I hope it'll last!"  Unfortunately, the waitress dropped the drink tray on her way over.  Ohhh, that was a 9.5 performance until she dropped the tray. She'll suffer a loss on the technical rating, but the spill was quite artistic so she's safe in that respect.

I ordered the "Poached Eggs, Spinach, Tomato, Rustic Toast, Béchamel", but once I saw the "Poached Eggs, Calabrese Salami, Rustic Toast, Hollandaise", I had major plate envy.  That's when the Oompa Loompas started singing to me:

"Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do"

Yeah, yeah, shut up, Oompa Loompas!

I enjoyed my meal, but the bread was difficult to slice.  Every time I tried to cut into it, the table violently shook and drinks nearly spilled... again.  Other people at my table had bread-sawing problems, too, so we ended up making some fun out of it.  After all, "a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

I definitely want to go back and try the poached egg-salami dish.  I may have to just pick it up and eat it so I won't shake my drink off the table, though.

I cut out of there more quickly than I wanted to in order to meet other friends at another happening place.  "So much time and so little to do!  Strike that, reverse it..."

Crawfish Shack and Oyster Bar - 2013 Wells Branch Pkwy, Austin, TX 78728

I was running errands yesterday,
And Crawfish Shack was on my way.

"I've eaten there before and liked it," I pondered,
"I bet if I eat there again, my money won't be squandered."

Walking in, I saw several kids... I mean, squealing banshees.
I thought this was Crawfish Shack, not Chuck E. Cheese!

The buggers were screeching at high decibel levels.
The old maid in me cursed, "Go to hell, you undisciplined devils!"

I sat down and ordered shrimp po' boy and iced tea.
Better get shrimp while I still can.  Thanks, BP!

Anticipating my meal, I drooled like a Pavlovian dog.
Table next to me had good-looking crawfish and corn logs.

Got my po' boy and took a great big ol' bite.
An orgasm inside my stomach the sammich did ignite.

"Heaven... I'm in Heaven," I almost sang aloud.
Just like before, the po' boy had me wowed.

As I eyeballed surfing crab dolls and fake netting,
I asked for my check, but the waitress kept forgetting.

Banshees still screeching and running all around
Really made me wish I couldn't hear a sound.

Would I go back to Crawfish Shack for another po' boy crawl?
Yes, but I'll wait 'til the banshees are in school this fall.

Dynasty Chinese Restaurant - 8650 Spicewood Springs Rd, Austin, TX 78759

I've eaten at Dynasty probably three times in the last seven years, and I always remember liking what I got.  Well, okay, I always get the same thing: Walnut Shrimp (lightly fried shrimp with walnuts in a mayonnaise sauce).  I'm really picky about Chinese food, so when I find a dish I like, I rarely stray from it.

I decided to walk to Dynasty one recent evening for dinner, which the walking was necessary, as I'm sure that mayonnaise sauce is oh-so good for me.  The first thing I noticed upon arrival was a sign on the front door advertising Vietnamese coffee for $2.75.  Even though I'd just walked a mile to get there, I was still half asleep, so I think I technically sleepwalked over there.  I needed summa dat Vietnamese coffee STAT!

The second thing I noticed, upon walking in, was that Dynasty's aquarium was almost as empty as the restaurant (the absence of people was quickly the third thing I noticed).  The aquarium used to be filled with interesting fresh-water life, but now there was only a handful of goldfish.  I felt the lack of aquarium life and the lack of people was foreboding.

I was seated, and I ordered my usual Walnut Shrimp, with Egg Drop Soup and some Vietnamese Iced Coffee.  Water came out first, which I was totally thankful for.  The walk over there made me thirsty.  I set a new personal record; I chugged two huge glasses of iced water in less than five minutes.  It wasn't even that hot outside, so God only knows.

When my Vietnamese coffee came, I remembered that it had been about three years (at Odaku Sushi) since I'd had Vietnamese coffee, and I didn't remember what I was supposed to do with the little metal coffee-maker contraption atop the coffee cup.  One phone-Google search later, I found I was supposed to wait until all the coffee dripped into my cup, and then I was supposed to stir the condensed milk (in the very bottom of the cup) with the coffee, and then I was supposed to pour it over ice and apparently drink it very slowly.  I understood the slowly part, as I remembered Vietnamese coffee being strong, but do you really think I drank it slowly?  If you think not, you're a genius.  Or else you know me really well.

My food came out quickly.  The Walnut Shrimp was just as good and filling as I remembered it being.  As I ate, I kept expecting at least one other person to come in for dinner.  After all, it was 5:45 when I got there.  Alas, two other people showed up, but they only came to pick up phone-ordered food.  You'd think with such a lack of customers I'd get a lot of attention, but I really didn't.  On one hand that was fine, as I don't like to be harassed, especially when I'm eating, but I did need more water at one point and I never got it.

I started to grow concerned about getting out of there and getting home quickly, as I'd made plans to get together with Quani C. around 7pm.  She's going to give me her leftover partially cat-eaten stargazer lilies.  I currently have some stargazer lilies in my dining room, and Quani offered me hers to add to my collection (they're my favorite flowers).  Hopefully my cats will stay away from them.  They have so far, but I digress.  The manager gave me my check; I paid and got a fortune cookie, and got outta there.

My fortune cookie was disappointing:  "Time to order more fortunes.  Call Oriental Trading Company at 1-800-875-8480 today."

Margarita's Mexican Restaurant - 10280 W State Hwy 29, Liberty Hill, TX 78642

This place is literally in the middle of nowhere.  Liberty Hill is nowhere, right?  If you happen to be hungry, and at the intersection of Hwy 29 and 183, stop in and give this place a whirl.  The food isn't spectacular, but it isn't terrible.

My mother wanted to go here for Mother's Day lunch, so we journeyed from Sun City to Liberty Hill.  This is how I learned exactly where Liberty Hill actually is.  I'd heard of it and know a couple of people who live there, but I always figured it was south of Austin.  And that's what I get for figgerin'.

The restaurant is big with ample parking, and they have a few large booths to accommodate you and fifty of your closest friends, as well as a dining room that can be closed off for private parties.  The decor reminds me of an Arizona Denny's, though.

My mother wanted to start with queso, and I suggested we get the queso with taco meat and pico de gallo in it.  It was her day, and she didn't want chili con queso, so we got the regular queso.  And it was just... cheese.  Nothing else.  No spices at all.  I really didn't expect that we would've had to order the chili con queso to get any sort of oomph, but apparently that's what we should've done.  Well, actually, I kinda doubt the chili con queso would've had any spice in it.  Mom tried to help by sprinkling a boat-load of black pepper into the queso, but it didn't make it spicy at all; it just made it taste bad.  On the positive side, the cheese didn't taste like Velveeta.  Similarly bland was the salsa.  Mom wanted to go here because a couple of neighbors recommended this place, saying Margarita's has spicy food.  I asked where these neighbors are from.  Minnesota.  Well, there you go.  Never trust anybody from Minnesota about Tex-Mex, Mom!

I don't remember what either of my parents got for entrees, but I got the Supreme Dinner.  I think that's what it was called.  It came with two enchiladas, a beef taco, and rice and beans.  I opted for cheese enchiladas, as I always do, but the waitress brought me beef.  It didn't take her long to rectify the mistake, and I had the beef taco to munch on in the meantime.  That beef taco was decent but not great.  The cheese enchiladas were also decent but not great.  The service was decent but not great.  Everything about this place is decent but not great.

So Margarita's is a great place to stop if you happen to be in the area and haven't eaten in a few days, but I wouldn't suggest going out of your way to get there.

Oh, if you DO go anytime soon, try not to use the restroom if you're a woman.  They're currently renovating the ladies' bathroom right now, so only two toilets work.  And one of those working toilets is in a stall without a door.  I guess that's fine if you're an exhibitionist.  And there was barely enough toilet paper in that stall that did have a door.  Cool sinks and faucets, though

Burger Central - 1005 S Hwy 183, Leander, TX 78641

Off the beaten path in Leander, next to a feed store, is Burger Central.  Come in and get your fill of cow that may have fed on the hay sold next door.  And while you're there, stuff some ice cream into your pie hole.  Oops, they no longer sell ice cream at Burger Central.

The lovely Ellen J. and I met here for lunch.  We're the Workforce Rejects, so why not go out for a leisurely lunch?  We walked in and sat down in the front room, and were waited on by a friendly high-schooler.  Ellen and I each ordered the Caboose (your typical cheeseburger), and we discussed job-hunting strategies and horror stories as we waited for our food.

Ellen remarked later that her burger tasted good at first, but the longer she ate it, the less she liked it.  I have to agree.  As we sat there eating, discussing and dissecting, the lady sitting at a nearby table interjected with, "I agree with you two; the burgers aren't very good.  They're too mushy."  That's it!  That's the perfect way to describe it.  Despite being cooked medium-well (which should have been medium, actually), the burgers were, in fact, too mushy.  Like Ellen said, the bun was very good, but it wasn't good enough to hide the mushy excuse for meat that the patty was.  The fries were good, though.

I can't see making a return trip unless I'm feeling mushy.  Maybe I'll come here the next time I fall in love with a guy.

Dallas Night Club - 7113 Burnet Rd, Austin, TX 78757

I absolutely hate twangy country music and/or anything that suggests the City of Dallas or Dallitude.  After all, I spent my first twenty-three years living there (minus nine months in N'awlins), so can you blame me for hating it?  

Lisa M. told me one of her Meetup groups was going to Dallas Nightclub one certain night, and that a certain nice, stable divorced 36-year-old guy would be there, and she wanted to introduce me to him.  Possible love connection beats musical and city hatred, so I RSVPed yes with a different Meetup group that was going.

I was worried I would feel completely out of place at Dallas because of what I was wearing.  I don't own spurs, or 10-foot circumference belt buckles, or a ten-gallon hat, or even skinny tight jeans, so I figured I was in trouble wearing bellbottom jeans, stiletto sandals and a come-get-me top.  And yet, less than half the people at Dallas Nightclub were dressed like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.  We're off to a good start!

I found Lisa right away, and we each grabbed a drink and settled into a couple of chairs abreast the dance floor.  During the next couple of hours, Lisa did the boot-scootin' boogie with a lot of guys.  I was amazed that I got asked to dance nine times.  Unfortunately, I said no each time.  See, really the only partner dance I can do at all well is dirty dancing, and there wasn't any of that going on... not until later, at least.  So I had to explain to each potential dance partner that I only dance well alone, and that I have no earthly idea how to two-step or any such nonsense.  They were all very polite, though.

I noticed a guy on the dance floor who danced exactly like Ralph Kramden.  If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQOLTU00-QY  It was pretty cool.

Lisa's masher was there.  I was familiar with her review, so I was really interested to get a look at this guy.  A Lady Gaga song inexplicably came on.  Wow, what a socially awkward bundle of spastic dance moves that masher was!  Lisa and I watched as he made a mockery of rhythmic bodily movement by doing some sort of uncoordinated jumping jacks (Lisa's description).  And then he would twist his waist around in a very awkwardly wide, slow, painful-looking circle.  Lisa said he had told her that he was working on a stand-up routine to perform at Cap City, and she was convinced his seizure-like dance recital was part of it.

Well, once the three of us got to talking, I asked about his Cap City thing.  He talked a bit about it and started spazzily dancing again, at which point I jokingly asked if his dance moves were a part of his act.  He was a bit offended.  Yeah, I have my social gaffes, too.  The three of us ended up dancing together to "Sexy Back", and Mr. Masher kept getting in Lisa's way as she was trying to twirl around.  Poor Lisa.  But at the same time... Heh!

Oooooh.... drinks!  Drinks are cheap here.  I got two bloody marys for $3.  And they were actually quite good, too.  Small, but good.  Spicy.  Verra verra spicy.

I can't believe I actually had a good time at Dallas tonight.  The country music was even tolerable.  I'll probably go back someday, and I might even be tempted to learn how to two-step, just so I won't have to turn down so many dance invitations.

Oh, and that guy that Lisa wanted to introduce me to?  He never showed, but I ran into some other Meetup friends and had fun until the bloody marys started singing me a lullabye.

I'm glad I no longer have to drive 200 miles on a boring stretch of highway to go to Dallas.

Uncorked Wine Bar - 900 E 7th St, Austin, TX 78702

Reasons you might like Uncorked:

1)  Patio is pooch-friendly.  Tara M's pit, Mia, had a happy time at Uncorked, with plenty of attention from servers and customers alike.  The employees will even bring out a water dish for Spot, or Fluffy, or whatever you named your dog.

2)  You can bring records to the Uncorked patio, on your way to Rio Rita for the record-player party, and not have to worry about them melting in the 93-degree sun.  Uncorked has ample trees to keep you shaded.  You might want to cover your drink, though.

3)  If you're with a bunch of women, you and your friends may discover yourselves as the subject of a local artist's rendering.  And said artist will thankfully enhance your bustline much more than God did.

4) Monday Happy Hour (3-7pm) means half-price glasses of whatever bottles are already opened, which is almost everything.

5)  Even illiterate people can order wine successfully here, as each wine on the menu has pictures to tell you what color it is, how sweet it is, what flavors you'll taste, etc.

The one and only bad thing about Uncorked:  Don't bring your quiet friends to the patio, at least not during rush hour (okay, so, that's pretty much always on 35).  You'll hear I-35 traffic noise much more readily than your socially timid friends.

Sprouts Farmers Market - 10225 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I was in the neighborhood, having just blown some money at Bed Bath & Beyond, and I needed milk.  Do I want to drive to H-E-B, or do I just want to get my grocery shopping over with at Sprouts since it's right here?  Sprouts won.

Walking in, I saw Sprouts for exactly what it was:  Whole Foods.  So I expected inflated prices.  Actually, the prices seem fair on about half the items.  In fact, the milk I got was only $1.99.  It's over $2 at H-E-B.  Score one for Sprouts!  However, they didn't have much toothpaste to choose from.  I was hoping for some run-of-the-mill Crest or something, but there were only specialty brands to be had at Sprouts.  That bothered me.  I understand carrying the specialty, green, organic, etc., brands, but can't you at least also carry one lousy tube of Colgate??  I got the cheapest brand, which cost over $5, and I didn't get a very big tube for the price.  So Sprouts loses a star.

The check-out girl was helpful, especially in explaining to me how to bag up things in the bulk foods section and write the box number on it.  Oops, I didn't do that.  Didn't know I was supposed to.  But now I know.  She didn't get pissed off that she had to look up the code, and she didn't treat me like an idiot; she simply explained the process, and that was that.  Much appreciated.  I'll know for next time.  And it's a good thing she was still watching me as I grabbed my bags and started to leave, because I almost ambled through the emergency exit.  Had she not warned me, I'm sure I would have set off some awful-sounding alarms.  Once again, I'll know for next time.

I certainly won't do my normal grocery shopping here because it's too expensive, and they simply don't have everything I need.  But if I need something special, green, organic, etc., I might stop in here again.  As it was, I got milk, toothpaste, dinner, raspberry-lime water, gummy worms, and some chocolate-covered espresso beans for $20, so that ain't too bad, methinks.

Maudie's - 10205 N Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78753

I'm really stuck on the fence about this one.  My entree stunk, but my app, and the chips and salsa, were good.  What's a girl to do?

I already knew I liked Maudie's chips and salsa; they're a sinus patient's dream.  I'd eaten them with a Corona or two at the Lake Austin location a couple of months ago.  I finally decided to try Maudie's for lunch.  Well, hmmm...

I'll start with the entree.  I got cheese enchiladas, which I think most of you know tends to be my go-to Messycan dish.  I like to draw comparisons among Messycan restaurants based on that dish, so there you go.  The enchiladas were average at the absolute best.  I can't completely put my finger on what I didn't like about them.  I think it was mainly the sauce.  It tasted like it flunked out of Chef Boyardee Culinary Academy.  The rice and beans were quite good, though, but I was pretty full by the time I got around to them.

Okay, the app... I got the Diablo Sol Food ("A savory blend of melted cheese seasoned with the tasty flavors of fresh garlic, onions and peppers, combined with our tender taco beef and pico de gallo.").  It was a flavor explosion in my mouth! Just enough cilantro without being too much, which is hard to do. There was a huge smack of flavor in every single bite, and the garlic gave it just the right kick.  I walked out of Maudie's black and blue from all that flavor excitement.  I don't normally like tomatoes or peppers, but I found myself eating them happily in this case.  The flavors created a medley better put together than anything Lennon and McCartney ever did in the music world, and that's really saying something because I'm the world's biggest Beatles fan. I desperately wanted to stand up and scream, "I am the walrus!"  But I didn't.

Service was fantastic.  I got everything I wanted and needed at the drop of a hat, and this is one of the few restaurants where I got the check in due time.  I'll definitely go back for more Devil's food.

La Feria - 413 N Bell Blvd, Cedar Park, TX 78613

Moseyed over here for lunch.  I've eaten here before and liked it, but they've apparently gone downhill in the last two years.

Upon entrance, I saw the sign that told me to seat myself, which I did.  Nearly ten minutes I waited to be greeted, to no avail.  Granted, I came at, like, 2pm, but still.  I suddenly felt as unwelcome there as Jim Belushi on prime-time TV.  Or movies.

As soon as I stood up to go looking around for service, that's when a waiter came over with chips and salsa.  I ordered my iced tea and cheese enchiladas lunch special (2 cheese enchiladas, rice and beans, tortillas, AND iced tea for $5.99).

The salsa was too watery, but it was decently spicy.  I mean, I came in there with sinus blockage, and I walked out feeling just fine and wiping my nose, so I have to give La Feria props for that. It still could have been spicier, though.  And chunkier.  Nonetheless, for my sinuses' sake, I ate the hell out of that salsa.

And here come my enchiladas.  The food was hot temperature-wise, but not spice-wise.  That's fine with me.  I frankly only care about my salsa being extremely spicy.  The beans and rice were pretty good, and the enchiladas were adequate.  I'd say a good three stars.  But where are my tortillas?  Wasn't I supposed to get tortillas with this meal?  The menu said I would get tortillas.  My waiter never came over to ask how the food was, so I couldn't ask about tortillas.  In fact, I didn't see him at all the whole time I was eating.

So I finished my meal and wanted my tortillas and check, but I didn't know what to do since my waiter was MIA.   I spied a register several feet away, so I decided to walk over there and wait for someone to notice me so I could pay my check.  Like before, as soon as I stood up, my waiter came over.  Apparently standing up is a secret code in this place.

I asked about tortillas, and he went and got me two white corn tortillas.  Two.  I'm sorry, but I can go to Camino Real and get more tortillas with my meal for the exact same price.  And the waiter didn't bring any butter with the tortillas, so he had to run another errand for me.

La Feria, your food is a good three stars, but your service sucks harder than a Hoover Deluxe.

620 Cafe and Bakery - 910 Round Rock Ave, Round Rock, TX 78681

Went here with a couple of other workforce rejects (lay-offs) like myself.

Service was great.  I didn't pay attention to our server's name, but she was very sweet and was on top of everything.  I did not want for anything. 

Food was great, but not fabulous.  It was about what I expected.  I had trouble deciding the night before what I would order, but I finally decided on the Big Ole Big (biscuits & cream gravy, three eggs over easy, two slices of bacon, ham, Texas link, and grits).  It was served on two huge plates that were met by a Danny Thomas spit-take by everyone at the table.  Everyone at the table was making bets as to whether or not I could clean my plates.  I didn't.

The eggs were actually a bit tough to cut, amazingly, but I didn't let that stop me from eating them.  (No egg shall remain uneaten in my kingdom!)  The huge-ass sausage link was good and greasy, but I chose to only have a couple of bites.  The bacon was pretty good, and the grits were decent.  I think the biscuits and gravy were the best things in my trough... er, plates.

The girl sitting across from me got some sort of salad, and she could have swam in the bowl; it was THAT huge.  Towards the end of the meal, girl-across-the-table (GAT) got a to-go box and used ninja moves to fill it up, as none of us witnessed her doing it.  We then saw her finishing off what was left in the bowl, and her neighbor said, "You ate that whole damn thing?!  It's always weird how the skinny people typically eat the most food!"  That's when GAT came clean and showed us her to-go box that was busting at the seams.

All the praises being sung, I'm a bit pissed.  Why am I pissed?  Because the prices on their website do not accurately reflect the prices on their hardcopy menu.  The Big Ole Big is priced at $9.49 online, but it actually costs $10.49.  It's not like I can't handle the extra buck, but I don't appreciate being given false information.  So if anyone from 620 Cafe is reading this, please get the lead out and update your website.

Parking here is a dream, but getting out of the lot is a nightmare.  When I left, there were five people ahead of me trying to get onto 620, and they were all turning left, which is why there was an ever-increasing line of cars.  I was the only poor sap turning right onto 620.  Ten minutes later, I finally exited the parking lot.  Beware.

Weirdo time-travel moment:  On my way out, I noticed a Christmas tree by the host stand.  Boy oh boy, this year sure did jet by quickly!  WTF?!

Crazy Cajun - 8557 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78758

Since approximately 1997, I have been on an on-again, off-again search for the bestest shrimp po' boy outside of New Orleans where I went to college.  My search began in Dallas, because that's where I lived at the time, and then my search migrated with me here in 2001.  Gene's once had my Bestest Shrimp Po' Boy award, but they're now closed.  And even though I've been to Nubian Queen Lola's twice, I have not yet been able to partake of a shrimp po' boy.

I finally got my scrawny ass over to Crazy Cajun to eat, but I was a bit alarmed when I entered and sat down.  Why was I alarmed?  Because the entire place smelled of vinegar, or perhaps some sort of weird cleaner.  'Twas really off-putting.

But I stayed and ordered an iced tea and a shrimp po' boy.  The iced tea almost tasted like cigarettes, which I never imagined was possible.  I looked in my glass for ashes, but I didn't find any.  Whatever tea they use, I sure hope I never accidentally buy it at the grocery store. 

The shrimp po' boy was okay, but I've had better.  The shrimp should have been much fresher, and the breading could have been better, but I wasn't completely disappointed with it.  The fries it came with were actually quite good, and this is coming from an almost completely non-french fry fan.

Service was excellent, which is, I'm sorry to say, the best thing Crazy Cajun has going for it.

While I was eating my grub and staring out the window, I saw a pick-up truck driving by with a tank in its bed that said "LIVE FISH".  I desperately tried to wave the guy over, but he didn't see me.  Not that he would have had any shrimp in his tank, but I assume the other seafood at Crazy Cajun is equally as unfresh as the shrimp, so I figured they could use the help.

Oh well, no shrimp po' boy is perfect.  Not outside of N'awlins, anyway.