Carmelo's - 504 E 5th St, Austin, TX 78701

Please don't tickle the waiter!

Alaskan king salmon "spiked" in lemon juice, with mushroom risotto

Decided to try this place out with a friend for Austin Restaurant Week recently, and we were both pretty disappointed.  I think it's important to point out, however, that neither of us ate anything decidedly Italian.

We each got the grilled wild Alaskan king salmon, "spiked" with lemon juice, served with mushroom risotto, and I found the risotto to be the tastiest part, despite the fact that it wasn't any tastier than my mother's stroganoff.  Don't get the wrong impression, my mother's beef stroganoff is exceptionally tasty and I crave it now as I write this, but I expect a downtown high-class restaurant, with prices to match, to have even better-tasting food.

The fish was decent tasting, though ever so slightly overcooked.  I honestly think the extremely liberal coating of lemon juice ruined it for me.  And the mushroom risotto just wasn't anything special.  The fish and risotto are nothing I couldn't do myself at home, which leaves me in a very unfortunate position, with regard to rating Carmelo's fare.

The point is, Austin Restaurant Week is a time when restaurants are supposed to put on their best bib and tucker, in order to garner new business.  Newbies come to your place to try the best of your best (at least, I assume you would put your best efforts on the ARW menu).  When the food you offer for ARW makes me wish I had saved my gas, time and money, you've got a problem. 

The dessert I had -- blackout chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream -- was slightly better than the entree, mainly because of the heaping helping of chocolate chips in the batter.  I'm a chocolate fiend, friends, but I found the cake a bit too dry in some places; it was inconsistently moist.  And the Amy's Mexican vanilla ice cream was a bad choice.  Mexican vanilla just didn't go well with this cake, folks.  I came nowhere near finishing the dessert, and it wasn't because I was full (the entree failed to fill me up).  The best part of the meal was the presentation of my friend's hazelnut creme brulee.  The waiter torched it with the flamethrower right there at our table.  'Twas fun and interesting to watch, almost like going to a hibachi grill for a birthday dinner, which I soon desired in place of the meal I'd been served at Carmelo's.

Despite the sheer excitement of my friend's dessert, service was patchy.  We couldn't decide who our server was because we had at least three.  They were all nice, and were great about refilling our teas, but getting and paying our checks took an eon.  This is a major problem in the vast majority of Austin restaurants, as I have found in the last decade, and it never ceases to annoy me.  Suppose my friend and I had been on a lunch break from work?  There was no way we would have made it back to work in an hour, even if we worked right next door.

I see no reason to try Carmelo's again.  They played a pair of deuces on a day that they should have been playing a straight flush.  They should have folded instead, and I suspect they will soon.

Italo's Pizza - 1600 East 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

String Cheese Theory!

10" pizza with burger topping

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips! (I had five)

String Theory suggests that the electrons and quarks within an atom are not 0-dimensional objects, but rather 1-dimensional oscillating lines ("strings").  String Cheese Theory suggests that if you find the right pizza, 3-dimensional cheese will end up stuck to your teeth, chin, shirt, and anything else within a 6-mile radius.

Italo's has such a pizza to fit String Cheese Theory.  See the first picture for proof.

Quani and I tried out Italo's a couple of weeks ago with a Nab-the-Deal coupon I had.  She got a cheese calzone that she liked, and I got a 10-inch pizza with ground beef topping.

String Cheese Theory also suggests that if you find this rare pizza, you will fall absolutely in love with it.

And I did.  Finding this pizza was like finding the Holy Grail, and the Grail Knight appeared and told me, "You have chosen wisely."  I was in utter Heaven every time I took a bite.  The cheese's flavor was divine, the ground beef was phenomenal, and the sauce was light.  I was barely able to finish all of it.  As I sit here hammering on the keys, I lustfully crave this pizza, and I plan to go back soon, now that the SXSW madness has ended.

And the orange whips are tasty tipsy treats.  You can get a regular (orange juice and vodka, so basically a frozen screwdriver) for $3.25, or the orange whip a la Italo (with cream and tuaca added) for a tad bit more.

Service is good.  Helpful employees who were fairly nice, especially the owner, Ben.  You'll be thrown off by the fact that there are two different registers at Italo's.  One is only for ordering drinks, and the other is only for ordering food.  You also may be thrown off by the fact that there's a $10 minimum purchase on credit tabs, but fear not.  The Italo's owner assured me that they have no problem combining the two tabs.  They're working on getting a POS system to enable one tab for both lines, so give em some time. 

The next time you want pizza, don't let your lazy ass order inferior Papa John's; drive your lazy ass to Italo's and test out the String Cheese Theory.  Find the Holy Grail.  Please your taste buds.

Cheddars - 13301 N Highway 183, Austin, TX 78750

Don'tcha hate it when the restaurant you actually want to go to is crowded over capacity, to the point of being a fire hazard, and you're too hungry to go very far so you end up at the place next door?  This is what happened to me one evening.  I had been craving a steak from Texas Roadhouse, but they were waaaaay too crowded because of, I guess, World Cup.  I remembered this Cheddar's having very good food a few years ago, but the quality went downhill ever since.  But I decided I'd give them another chance.

I didn't let going to Cheddar's stop me from ordering a steak.  And fried shrimp.  With a loaded baked potato.  And steamed broccoli.  And a beeeeeeer.

The steak was actually really good, and I was surprised at how big it was for the low price (damn near 8-oz).  What I was even more surprised about was the fact that they got the cooking temp correct.  The steak was tender; I saw no fat; and the spices they put atop the steak gave it great flavor.  The baked potato was great, too.  The breading on the shrimp was too thick for my taste, but the shrimp itself was good.

Service was top-notch.  Bartender Dorothy gave me whatever I wanted (well, things that she, personally, had control over) whenever I wanted them.  The people sitting next to me were loud, drunk, clumsy and annoying, so I quietly slid over a few seats to escape their insufferable alcoholic madness.  Dorothy said she was getting ready to cut them off, so extra kudos to her.  Personally, I'd rather cut them *up*, but that's just me.

The meal was very filling, to the point where I couldn't even finish my beer.  I didn't want to get a to-go box because I wasn't going home for several hours, so I stuffed as much food as I could in my pie-hole, and lamented the amount of food still left on my plate.  But, hey, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

The very first time I went to a Cheddar's, I expected more, um, cheese on the menu, but Cheddar's has made it back into my rotation anyway.  Congrats on getting your mojo working again, Cheddar's!

The Onion Pizza - 408 Brazos St, Austin, TX 78701

I don't get how this place is thought to be good.  I also can't believe that I forgot to write this review until two weeks after I actually ate there.

The Onion is about a block away from my office, so I figured, "Yay!  There's a nearby pizza place!  Oh, but that would end up being a bad thing if I like the place."  Well, no chance of that happening.

What reminded me to write this review was my good experience at Cozzoli's Pizza at Congress & 7th.

Aside from whole pizzas, calzones and pizza rolls, you can buy individual slices of pepperoni or cheese.  They say on their website that slice "selection varies", but it doesn't.  So if you're a pepperoni loather like me, you're stuck with cheese unless you're hungry enough for a 10-inch pizza.  They, for some reason, refused to add toppings to my slice.  I think this is because they were too daft or stoned to figure out how much extra to charge.

I guess most people who eat downtown lack taste.  This pizza stinks.  The slices are big, but there's barely any cheese on them.  The crust is mediocre tasting and too soft.  At one point I took a bite and almost all of the cheese came with it.  So wrong.

And how many seats did I count in there?  Four?  That's fine if you're taking the pizza to go, but if you feel like getting completely away from the office for lunch, that stinks.

At least The Onion didn't make me cry.

Flemings Prime Steakhouse - 11600 Century Oaks Ter, Austin, TX 78758

Another fake phone call, this time between me and Winthorp of Fleming's:

*Ring-ring*
[WINTHORP]:  Yyyyyeeess?
[ME]:  Hi there.
[WINTHORP]:  ...  yyyyyeeess??
[ME]:  I ate there with a group Sunday evening, and I've gotta say, the experience was a let-down.
[WINTHORP]: And why is that, pray tell?
[ME]:  Okay, I hope you're either recording this phone call, or you've got some paper and a pen because I've got a lot to say.
[WINTHORP]:  [lying] Of course, madam, I intend to write down every complaint you have.
[ME]:  Yeah, right.  Well, anyway, service was incredibly slow for my group of five.  We got there at 6:30, and we didn't get to leave until after 9pm.  I had another social event I wanted to attend, but when my friend texted me at 8pm and I hadn't even gotten my entree yet, I told her to count me out.  Our waiter wasn't just slow; he was stupid, too.  My friend had slightly less than a half glass of champagne left, and the waiter took it as if it was empty.  He sneaked it away from her, but at least he gave her another glass when she complained.  He did try to charge her for that replacement glass, though, which was not cool.  He had no sense of urgency, except in getting that half glass of champagne away from my friend, and he knew very little about the menu.
[WINTHORP]:  And what was your waiter's name?
[ME]:  Fuck if I know.  He was tall, thin, and had longish dark blonde hair that needed a good shampooing.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about that.  But how was the food?
[ME]:  Well, I got the Sunday prime rib special, which I notice you guys jacked up the price recently.  But, considering how expensive everything else on the menu is, and considering you really don't get sides with any other entrees, I felt like this was the best deal.  $36.95 for prime rib, one side (I got baked potato), a caesar salad, and a dessert.  Okay, not bad, but my prime rib was mostly fat.  What the hell am I paying for??  At least the salad and baked potato were big and delicious.  Oh, the lava cake I got for dessert was weird.
[WINTHORP]:  How do you mean "weird"?
[ME]:  I asked for mine without pistachios, and I got the strangest presentation.  My dining mates who ordered the lava cake got whipped cream and ice cream on the same plate as the cake, but I got a separate container full of whipped cream, and another container full of ice cream.  I have no complaints about that, mind you.  What I found interesting was the giant chocolate skid mark on my plate.  [see picture] It seems like your chefs go into danger mode when they're presented with an order that is slightly different from normal.  And the lava cake wasn't even that good.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about--
[ME]:  Jesus tap-dancing Christ... quit saying you're *TERRibly* sorry!  Your saccharine attitude is making my diabetes worse!
[WINTHORP]:  Is there anything we at Fleming's can do to get you in our restaurant again?
[ME]:  Not likely.  Possibly for happy hour, but I'll never come over there for dinner again.
[WINTHORP]:  Well, I'm TERR--
*click*

Roaring Fork - 10850 Stonelake Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I know it's almost blasphemous to give a chain restaurant five stars, but I had the best happy hour at this Roaring Fork.  I went once before, a couple of years ago, but I only had wine, so I didn't really experience too much of the restaurant.  Last year, I had mixed drinks, food and fun with friends.

Edison C., Lorena O., Monica O., Pete N. and I went here for drinks and conversation, and we ended up getting a lot for our money.  We started out in the bar, but with our waiter's help we took our par-TAY to the covered patio where they had comfy couches.  It was almost like hanging out at someone's home, only there were waiters.

Speaking of waiters, one waiter who came by was awfully cute.  He had this almost '70s-Jeff-Lynne hair.  He brought out Pete's food, and he offered to take our orders if we wanted anymore food or drink, even though he wasn't actually our waiter.  Most other restaurants I've been to, if you ask a different waiter for something, he'll say, "I'll tell your waiter."  Our regular waiter was nice and on top of things, as well, but he wasn't as cute as the other one.  Cute, but not as cute.  Is it hot in here?

I started out with an orange mojito that blew my mind.  Monica got some sort of pear-something-or-other that was FABULOUS!  I wanted to order one after I finished my mojito, but I instead decided to get my first ever Old Fashioned.  It was good, but strong.  I couldn't have a third drink and expect to be able to drive home, so that pear-whatever drink will have to wait until next time.  And there will be a next time.  Edison got a huckleberry margarita, which he said he liked, but he also said it was quite strong.  So you won't get watered-down drinks here!

To eat, I got the Hickory-Smoked Salmon.  It came with panini bread, capers, and tartar sauce.  WOW!  The salmon was so tasty and flaky, like that free-spirited guy I went out with once.  And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think that was the best tartar sauce I've ever had.  I just kept slopping it on my panini slices, and loading up the bread with flavorful, perfectly-cooked salmon, and capers.

I didn't try any of the other food, but other food was had by our group.  I believe all was enjoyed.  All was certainly eaten without a problem.  Lorena and I were kinda obsessing over the basket of jalapeno cornbread muffins, meaning we each ate too many of them and asked for a second basket.

Roaring Fork really knows how to take care of you; the service and food were both top-notch, as was the view.  I can't afford to go to Roaring Fork anytime soon for dinner, but I can afford happy hour, or maybe lunch, so I'll definitely be back.  Hell, I'd go back just to get another handful of the delicious chocolate mint sticks they have at the host stand on the way out!

Nau's Enfield Drug - 1115 W Lynn St, Austin, TX 78703

I finally ventured to this place for lunch.  Not only did I learn a lot about Nau's Enfield Drug, but I also learned a lot about Clarksville.  Well, okay, I learned what the housing looks like (cute!), and what other restaurants are around Nau's Enfield (Jeffrey's, Zocalo, Caffe Medici).  I also learned that Nau's carries a fine assortment of joke products, like stink bombs, hot gum, cat-butt magnets, and fart-noise makers.

So I plopped myself down at the old-fashioned counter and ordered a small cheeseburger and iced tea.  The iced tea was pretty much wasted, as I was reminded by the menu -- after I'd ordered -- that Nau's has malts, shakes and sodas.  But which to order?  Should I get a chocolate soda, or a chocolate shake??  Forgive me, pancreas, but I'm gonna hafta order one o' them something-or-others!  But we'll get to that in a minute...

My burger was small but filling.  It wasn't the best burger I've eaten (I still think Hut's is better.  I haven't yet been to Casino, so shut up), but it still was a damn fine burger.  And the service was super friendly.  Towards the end of my meal, I finally ordered a chocolate soda.  And the soda-jerk/counter-dude hit me with an unexpected question:

[Soda-jerk]:  Which kind do you want?
[Me]:  Uhhh... chocolate? I already said that, didn't I?
[Soda-jerk]:  Oh, I know, but we feature two different kinds of sodas.  One involves chocolate and phosphates, and the other involves chocolate, carbonated soda, ice cream, whipped cream, and a cherry.  For the same price.
[Me]:  Well, wow, the latter one sounds a helluva lot better than the first one, so set me up, barkeep!

That dialogue really put a smile on my face.  The cute young soda-jerk was so friendly and helpful.  And that soda was GOOD.  I happily sucked it all the way home (take that statement as you wish).  Jessica S. and a random other friend both told me to get the shake when I posted my soda vs. shake dilemma on Facebook.  Well, guys, I failed you, but I pleased myself.  So there.  Ha!