Italo's Pizza - 1600 East 6th St, Austin, TX 78702

String Cheese Theory!

10" pizza with burger topping

Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips! (I had five)

String Theory suggests that the electrons and quarks within an atom are not 0-dimensional objects, but rather 1-dimensional oscillating lines ("strings").  String Cheese Theory suggests that if you find the right pizza, 3-dimensional cheese will end up stuck to your teeth, chin, shirt, and anything else within a 6-mile radius.

Italo's has such a pizza to fit String Cheese Theory.  See the first picture for proof.

Quani and I tried out Italo's a couple of weeks ago with a Nab-the-Deal coupon I had.  She got a cheese calzone that she liked, and I got a 10-inch pizza with ground beef topping.

String Cheese Theory also suggests that if you find this rare pizza, you will fall absolutely in love with it.

And I did.  Finding this pizza was like finding the Holy Grail, and the Grail Knight appeared and told me, "You have chosen wisely."  I was in utter Heaven every time I took a bite.  The cheese's flavor was divine, the ground beef was phenomenal, and the sauce was light.  I was barely able to finish all of it.  As I sit here hammering on the keys, I lustfully crave this pizza, and I plan to go back soon, now that the SXSW madness has ended.

And the orange whips are tasty tipsy treats.  You can get a regular (orange juice and vodka, so basically a frozen screwdriver) for $3.25, or the orange whip a la Italo (with cream and tuaca added) for a tad bit more.

Service is good.  Helpful employees who were fairly nice, especially the owner, Ben.  You'll be thrown off by the fact that there are two different registers at Italo's.  One is only for ordering drinks, and the other is only for ordering food.  You also may be thrown off by the fact that there's a $10 minimum purchase on credit tabs, but fear not.  The Italo's owner assured me that they have no problem combining the two tabs.  They're working on getting a POS system to enable one tab for both lines, so give em some time. 

The next time you want pizza, don't let your lazy ass order inferior Papa John's; drive your lazy ass to Italo's and test out the String Cheese Theory.  Find the Holy Grail.  Please your taste buds.

Cheddars - 13301 N Highway 183, Austin, TX 78750

Don'tcha hate it when the restaurant you actually want to go to is crowded over capacity, to the point of being a fire hazard, and you're too hungry to go very far so you end up at the place next door?  This is what happened to me one evening.  I had been craving a steak from Texas Roadhouse, but they were waaaaay too crowded because of, I guess, World Cup.  I remembered this Cheddar's having very good food a few years ago, but the quality went downhill ever since.  But I decided I'd give them another chance.

I didn't let going to Cheddar's stop me from ordering a steak.  And fried shrimp.  With a loaded baked potato.  And steamed broccoli.  And a beeeeeeer.

The steak was actually really good, and I was surprised at how big it was for the low price (damn near 8-oz).  What I was even more surprised about was the fact that they got the cooking temp correct.  The steak was tender; I saw no fat; and the spices they put atop the steak gave it great flavor.  The baked potato was great, too.  The breading on the shrimp was too thick for my taste, but the shrimp itself was good.

Service was top-notch.  Bartender Dorothy gave me whatever I wanted (well, things that she, personally, had control over) whenever I wanted them.  The people sitting next to me were loud, drunk, clumsy and annoying, so I quietly slid over a few seats to escape their insufferable alcoholic madness.  Dorothy said she was getting ready to cut them off, so extra kudos to her.  Personally, I'd rather cut them *up*, but that's just me.

The meal was very filling, to the point where I couldn't even finish my beer.  I didn't want to get a to-go box because I wasn't going home for several hours, so I stuffed as much food as I could in my pie-hole, and lamented the amount of food still left on my plate.  But, hey, a waist is a terrible thing to mind.

The very first time I went to a Cheddar's, I expected more, um, cheese on the menu, but Cheddar's has made it back into my rotation anyway.  Congrats on getting your mojo working again, Cheddar's!

The Onion Pizza - 408 Brazos St, Austin, TX 78701

I don't get how this place is thought to be good.  I also can't believe that I forgot to write this review until two weeks after I actually ate there.

The Onion is about a block away from my office, so I figured, "Yay!  There's a nearby pizza place!  Oh, but that would end up being a bad thing if I like the place."  Well, no chance of that happening.

What reminded me to write this review was my good experience at Cozzoli's Pizza at Congress & 7th.

Aside from whole pizzas, calzones and pizza rolls, you can buy individual slices of pepperoni or cheese.  They say on their website that slice "selection varies", but it doesn't.  So if you're a pepperoni loather like me, you're stuck with cheese unless you're hungry enough for a 10-inch pizza.  They, for some reason, refused to add toppings to my slice.  I think this is because they were too daft or stoned to figure out how much extra to charge.

I guess most people who eat downtown lack taste.  This pizza stinks.  The slices are big, but there's barely any cheese on them.  The crust is mediocre tasting and too soft.  At one point I took a bite and almost all of the cheese came with it.  So wrong.

And how many seats did I count in there?  Four?  That's fine if you're taking the pizza to go, but if you feel like getting completely away from the office for lunch, that stinks.

At least The Onion didn't make me cry.

Flemings Prime Steakhouse - 11600 Century Oaks Ter, Austin, TX 78758

Another fake phone call, this time between me and Winthorp of Fleming's:

*Ring-ring*
[WINTHORP]:  Yyyyyeeess?
[ME]:  Hi there.
[WINTHORP]:  ...  yyyyyeeess??
[ME]:  I ate there with a group Sunday evening, and I've gotta say, the experience was a let-down.
[WINTHORP]: And why is that, pray tell?
[ME]:  Okay, I hope you're either recording this phone call, or you've got some paper and a pen because I've got a lot to say.
[WINTHORP]:  [lying] Of course, madam, I intend to write down every complaint you have.
[ME]:  Yeah, right.  Well, anyway, service was incredibly slow for my group of five.  We got there at 6:30, and we didn't get to leave until after 9pm.  I had another social event I wanted to attend, but when my friend texted me at 8pm and I hadn't even gotten my entree yet, I told her to count me out.  Our waiter wasn't just slow; he was stupid, too.  My friend had slightly less than a half glass of champagne left, and the waiter took it as if it was empty.  He sneaked it away from her, but at least he gave her another glass when she complained.  He did try to charge her for that replacement glass, though, which was not cool.  He had no sense of urgency, except in getting that half glass of champagne away from my friend, and he knew very little about the menu.
[WINTHORP]:  And what was your waiter's name?
[ME]:  Fuck if I know.  He was tall, thin, and had longish dark blonde hair that needed a good shampooing.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about that.  But how was the food?
[ME]:  Well, I got the Sunday prime rib special, which I notice you guys jacked up the price recently.  But, considering how expensive everything else on the menu is, and considering you really don't get sides with any other entrees, I felt like this was the best deal.  $36.95 for prime rib, one side (I got baked potato), a caesar salad, and a dessert.  Okay, not bad, but my prime rib was mostly fat.  What the hell am I paying for??  At least the salad and baked potato were big and delicious.  Oh, the lava cake I got for dessert was weird.
[WINTHORP]:  How do you mean "weird"?
[ME]:  I asked for mine without pistachios, and I got the strangest presentation.  My dining mates who ordered the lava cake got whipped cream and ice cream on the same plate as the cake, but I got a separate container full of whipped cream, and another container full of ice cream.  I have no complaints about that, mind you.  What I found interesting was the giant chocolate skid mark on my plate.  [see picture] It seems like your chefs go into danger mode when they're presented with an order that is slightly different from normal.  And the lava cake wasn't even that good.
[WINTHORP]:  I'm TERRibly sorry about--
[ME]:  Jesus tap-dancing Christ... quit saying you're *TERRibly* sorry!  Your saccharine attitude is making my diabetes worse!
[WINTHORP]:  Is there anything we at Fleming's can do to get you in our restaurant again?
[ME]:  Not likely.  Possibly for happy hour, but I'll never come over there for dinner again.
[WINTHORP]:  Well, I'm TERR--
*click*

Roaring Fork - 10850 Stonelake Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I know it's almost blasphemous to give a chain restaurant five stars, but I had the best happy hour at this Roaring Fork.  I went once before, a couple of years ago, but I only had wine, so I didn't really experience too much of the restaurant.  Last year, I had mixed drinks, food and fun with friends.

Edison C., Lorena O., Monica O., Pete N. and I went here for drinks and conversation, and we ended up getting a lot for our money.  We started out in the bar, but with our waiter's help we took our par-TAY to the covered patio where they had comfy couches.  It was almost like hanging out at someone's home, only there were waiters.

Speaking of waiters, one waiter who came by was awfully cute.  He had this almost '70s-Jeff-Lynne hair.  He brought out Pete's food, and he offered to take our orders if we wanted anymore food or drink, even though he wasn't actually our waiter.  Most other restaurants I've been to, if you ask a different waiter for something, he'll say, "I'll tell your waiter."  Our regular waiter was nice and on top of things, as well, but he wasn't as cute as the other one.  Cute, but not as cute.  Is it hot in here?

I started out with an orange mojito that blew my mind.  Monica got some sort of pear-something-or-other that was FABULOUS!  I wanted to order one after I finished my mojito, but I instead decided to get my first ever Old Fashioned.  It was good, but strong.  I couldn't have a third drink and expect to be able to drive home, so that pear-whatever drink will have to wait until next time.  And there will be a next time.  Edison got a huckleberry margarita, which he said he liked, but he also said it was quite strong.  So you won't get watered-down drinks here!

To eat, I got the Hickory-Smoked Salmon.  It came with panini bread, capers, and tartar sauce.  WOW!  The salmon was so tasty and flaky, like that free-spirited guy I went out with once.  And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think that was the best tartar sauce I've ever had.  I just kept slopping it on my panini slices, and loading up the bread with flavorful, perfectly-cooked salmon, and capers.

I didn't try any of the other food, but other food was had by our group.  I believe all was enjoyed.  All was certainly eaten without a problem.  Lorena and I were kinda obsessing over the basket of jalapeno cornbread muffins, meaning we each ate too many of them and asked for a second basket.

Roaring Fork really knows how to take care of you; the service and food were both top-notch, as was the view.  I can't afford to go to Roaring Fork anytime soon for dinner, but I can afford happy hour, or maybe lunch, so I'll definitely be back.  Hell, I'd go back just to get another handful of the delicious chocolate mint sticks they have at the host stand on the way out!

Nau's Enfield Drug - 1115 W Lynn St, Austin, TX 78703

I finally ventured to this place for lunch.  Not only did I learn a lot about Nau's Enfield Drug, but I also learned a lot about Clarksville.  Well, okay, I learned what the housing looks like (cute!), and what other restaurants are around Nau's Enfield (Jeffrey's, Zocalo, Caffe Medici).  I also learned that Nau's carries a fine assortment of joke products, like stink bombs, hot gum, cat-butt magnets, and fart-noise makers.

So I plopped myself down at the old-fashioned counter and ordered a small cheeseburger and iced tea.  The iced tea was pretty much wasted, as I was reminded by the menu -- after I'd ordered -- that Nau's has malts, shakes and sodas.  But which to order?  Should I get a chocolate soda, or a chocolate shake??  Forgive me, pancreas, but I'm gonna hafta order one o' them something-or-others!  But we'll get to that in a minute...

My burger was small but filling.  It wasn't the best burger I've eaten (I still think Hut's is better.  I haven't yet been to Casino, so shut up), but it still was a damn fine burger.  And the service was super friendly.  Towards the end of my meal, I finally ordered a chocolate soda.  And the soda-jerk/counter-dude hit me with an unexpected question:

[Soda-jerk]:  Which kind do you want?
[Me]:  Uhhh... chocolate? I already said that, didn't I?
[Soda-jerk]:  Oh, I know, but we feature two different kinds of sodas.  One involves chocolate and phosphates, and the other involves chocolate, carbonated soda, ice cream, whipped cream, and a cherry.  For the same price.
[Me]:  Well, wow, the latter one sounds a helluva lot better than the first one, so set me up, barkeep!

That dialogue really put a smile on my face.  The cute young soda-jerk was so friendly and helpful.  And that soda was GOOD.  I happily sucked it all the way home (take that statement as you wish).  Jessica S. and a random other friend both told me to get the shake when I posted my soda vs. shake dilemma on Facebook.  Well, guys, I failed you, but I pleased myself.  So there.  Ha!

Patsy's Cafe - 5001 E Ben White Blvd, Austin, TX 78741

What a disappointment.  What's NOT disappointing is that I'd never even heard of this place before I ate there.  And even less disappointing is the fact that I'll never eat at Patsy's again.

A few gals and I volunteered for a couple of hours at Safeplace, and our leader suggested eating at Patsy's afterward.  I was surprised to see how close it was to Catfish Parlor.  I've eaten at that Catfish Parlor, but I never noticed Patsy's.

Parking was a bitch, but that's what happens when you go to lunch at noon.  There were four of us, each in our own car, and three of us ended up making our own parking spaces.

Okay, so I ordered the chicken fried chicken, which came with grilled veggies and mashed potatoes, as well as a small dinner salad with homemade Thousand Island dressing.  I have to say, the dressing was very good, but there was no cheese on my salad, which disappointed me.  I also got a slice of jalapeno cornbread which wasn't too bad.

Here's where things got ugly.  Once our server took our order, she didn't come back to our table until we'd finished our meals.  She didn't check on us, nothing.  And the food...  ick!  My entree looked decent, but it tasted really fake, like Chicken McNuggets fake.  Normally when I cut into a chicken breast, chicken will flake off from the breast into threads.  That didn't happen with Patsy's chicken.  It was one solid mass of school-lunch chicken.  Sysco chicken.  And it didn't even really taste like chicken; it unfortunately tasted more like rubber.  The gravy was subpar, too.  And the mashed potatoes?  They tasted like... get ready... Pepto-Bismol.  No joke.  Pepto-Abysmal, more like.

Speaking of Pepto-Bismol, I wished a couple of hours later that I had some, as Patsy's food gave me the stomach upset.  It's a good thing I didn't have to be anywhere for a few hours.  You can't expect to do that to me and get more than one star.

If Dale Evans and Roy Rogers took the stage at Patsy's and sang "Happy Trails", it'd go more like this:

Unhappy entrails to you, until we meet again.
Unhappy entrails to you, keep shittin' until then.
Who cares about good quality when we're serving?
Just know your health is undeserving.

Some entrails are happy ones;
Others are blue.
It's the way we treat your entrails that counts,
So your entrails are screwed.

Continental Club - 1315 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

I'm no stranger to Continental Club.  The first time I went there was on a first date.  I didn't go out with the guy again, but at least he introduced me to a cool hangout with great live music.

Fast-forward to Wednesday 5pm.  I had a couple of hours to kill before trivia started at BD Riley's, so I walked over to Continental Club to get my groove on.  The band was setting up when I got there, but they didn't start until after I left.  No matter.  The powers that be were playing a Kinks CD, and then a Led Zeppelin CD, both of which I enjoyed.

I got great service, as usual, and had a couple of Lone Stars.  I was incredibly bored, so I went into the back room to shoot some pool.  This is where I have to take away that fifth star.  The tips of every single cue stick were in disrepair.  But it really didn't matter, as I got no cue ball nor 10 ball when I put my 75-cents in the pool table.  I went ahead and shot all the existing balls, but it was incredibly easy to make each shot without a cue ball.  I was looking for something more challenging.

So I sat at the Atari game table and played Ms. Pacman, but the joystick was very hard to control.  I couldn't just stop Ms. Pacman and start going a different direction; she kept rolling along despite my best efforts to stop her.  So I gave up and played Space Invaders until a random guy came into the room, sat down several feet away from me and just stared at me.  Could you make me feel anymore uncomfortable??

I hurried through my first beer, and went back to the bar to get another.  A guy was sitting at the bar with his girlfriend, a Chihuahua.  Ms. Chihuahua was actually seated in one of the chairs.  Cute, but I was actually hoping to sit there and hoping your dog could sit on the floor, but whatever.  I grabbed a little table in view of the band setting up.  That strange guy in the back apparently is with the band, or something, as he was helping unload equipment and instruments.  Glad you found something better to do than stare at me.

I finished my second beer and went on my merry way.  On my way out the door, I caught the distinct smell of armpit odor.  Turned out to be Zen next door.

Creatures Boutique - 1206 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

No food here, but I'm going to include it anyway:

On my way to Continental Club, I stopped in here on a whim.

Oooooh, there's the cutest tee with a record player on it!  How much?  $48.  *#%&$^@$

Wow, those earrings are adorable!  How much?  $38.  That's not as bad as the tee, but $38 for metal and glass??

And then I saw it.  The most fantabulous dress I've ever seen, and it was on the SALE rack.  Perfect!  How much?  No price.  Okay, no problem; I'll try it on and then will ask about price.  So off I go to the dressing room.

The super nice sales clerk came over and convinced me to model the dress for her.  It looked great on me.  Who cares if I'm out of work right now; I can afford one new dress, right?  I haven't bought any new clothes in a really long time.

[Me]:  I didn't see a price on this gem.  How much is it?  [thinking: It couldn't be more than, like, $80.]
[Shop Girl]:  $565.
[Me]:  ???  !!!  &#$@)(&$%^@#$

Okay, Catherine... carefully disrobe so you don't tear it, don your street clothes, and tip-toe away.

San Francisco Bakery & Cafe - 2900 W Anderson Ln, Austin, TX 78757

Something I found out: Roast beef and sprouts generally do not go well together.  Something else I found out: Lisa M's Dallas Nightclub masher isn't quite as socially awkward when he's sober.  At least he wasn't dancing.

Some folks and I went here for lunch.  The place was decently crowded, and the staff was nice.  I ordered the roast beef sammich without carrots on a croissant, with iced tea and a cream cheese-chocolate chip danish.  I ordered everything to go because I knew I'd be eating at Your Mom's later, and I didn't want the two places fighting for room in my belly, so I figured I'd save half my sammich for today.

The sammich was pretty good, but I don't think alfalfa sprouts belong on a roast beef sammy.  I had trouble not eating the whole dang sammich right there, though.

Everyone else seemed to enjoy their food.  I could definitely see myself going back to this place, especially for the desserts.  I only had a bite or two of the cream cheese-chocolate chip paradise yesterday, but I am now going to go downstairs and stuff the rest of it in my mouth.  Thank God I have a treadmill!

Your Mom's Burger Bar - 1701 E Cesar Chavez St, Austin, TX 78702

Your Momma's so phat that most Austinites put their mouths between her buns without a second thought.

I hate to disagree with the 44,219 people who give Your Mom a high rating, but there was no orgasmatron involved in my lunch today.

I understand that the cheese-inside-the-meat concept is novel, but frankly, it's not good.  Not the way Mom's does it, anyway.  I continually couldn't decide if I wanted to try the cheese outside the patty or not.  Eventually, I decided I wanted to try it with the cheese atop the patty.  Having it inside the patty made it taste retired; past its prime, and a little off.  But who knows, it may have tasted bad had it been atop the patty.  Am I a patty-pooper?  Possibly.  Does Your Mom's stink at making cheese-in-patty delicacies?  More than likely so.  But the patty was cooked too well-done for my taste.  I didn't even get a chance to specify the cooking temp.  I don't like crusty ash on my meat.

Despite the fact that I was a virgin of Your Mom's, I opted not to try the french fries.  I decided on this because I am not much of a french-fry fan, so you should generally take my french-fry reviews with a grain of salt.  Heh, heh-heh, heh... salt.

Service was great, though.  The employees kept offering me french fries and asking how everything was.

If I happen to be east of I-35 on Cesar Chavez during the week during a normal hour, I will more than likely patronize a Messycan restaurant rather than a half-assed burger joint.

Big Top Candy Shop - 1706 S Congress Ave, Austin, TX 78704

Places like Big Top Candy Shop are normally death knells for diabetics like me, but read on...

Quani C., Yolanda G. and I checked this place out after lunch at the Snack Bar.

Big Top is very old-fashioned looking, and they have plenty of old-fashioned candy to go with that look.  I saw Hershey's bars with very old-looking wrappers, and even though I quietly wondered just how long those bars had been sitting on the shelf, I thought it was pretty cool.  The candy cigarettes and wax lips caught my eye, too.

I was hoping to get a look at the sugar-free candy, but ironically enough, I got hit with severe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and had to sit down while Quani and Yolanda shopped.  But I'll tell you what:  If I could choose a place to have a low-blood sugar episode, Big Top is where I would choose to do it.  Unfortunately, I really didn't have time to stand in line and buy anything to sate my blood sugar, as I would have fainted in the process, so I downed a sugar packet I found in my purse, and Yolanda gave me one of her wax-bottles-filled-with-some-sort-of-sugary-liquid to help me out.  To illustrate how completely off I was, I chomped into the bottom of that wax bottle and sucked all the juice out, instead of using the easy-open area at the top of the bottle so I could drink it.  Once I finally got back to normal and started looking around again, I didn't see any sugar-free candy, but I trust Tara H. when she says she found some there.

My eyes bugged out when I saw some Ghostbusters themed "Slimer Sours" candy ("Don't stare at me; you've got the bug eyes!").  Big Top also had a collection of absinthe-flavored candy.  I ended up buying the Ghostbusters candy, which is watermelon-flavored, and some absinthe dental floss.  Hey, I needed dental floss anyway, and it was there, so...  I think the candy is a bit expensive, though.  Over three dollars for each thing I bought.  I could see paying $3 for the floss, but not for the tiny container of Slimer Sours.  But that's what I get for being a slave to favorite-movie marketing.  I just hope those Slimer Sours hadn't been sitting in the store since 1984.

I also LOVED seeing the Stuckey's candy.  My family and I drove to Austin from Dallas several times per year to visit my maternal grandmother when I was a kid (she lived in 78704 'til she died in '99), and we would almost always stop at Stuckey's along the way.  I do believe there is still one in Italy/Ennis, for those of you who care.  Seeing those Stuckey's pecan logs was like stepping into a DeLorean and traveling back to the '80s.  Well, the Ghostbusters candy helped in that respect, too.  Everything in there was of the past, so you can't help but feel nostalgic.  And Big Top had gummy almost-everything available in the bulk candy section.  I love gummy candy.

I also saw IV bags filled with "blood".  I don't even wanna know how much sugar is in that "blood"!

I'd like to go in here again sometime this week so I can check out the stuff I didn't get to check out during my medical emergency.  Then again, I honestly wouldn't mind checking this place out again during a hypoglycemic fit; it would give me the perfect opportunity to try out one of their sodas!

Snack Bar - 1224 S Congress, Austin, TX 78704

I grabbed a Living Social deal here; $15 for $30 worth of food, and Quani C., Yolanda G. and I checked it out for lunch one day.

The staff was very nice and helpful on the way in, seating us on the patio, but our waitress, although nice and completely educated on the menu, wasn't quite attentive enough.  Yolanda wanted some ketchup with her meal but never got it, and we had to wait a while longer for the check than we wanted to.

I got the SoCo Benny (spinach, salmon, Hollandaise sauce and poached eggs on two buttermilk waffles), which was decent.  Honestly, though, the bites that I couldn't drown in Hollandaise sauce weren't very good, and my eggs were overcooked.  I expect poached eggs to have runny yolks, but these yolks fell asleep at the starting line.

Quani got the Medi Frittata (baked eggs with shrimp, feta and roasted red pepper with mixed greens and homemade lavash).  I tried a bit and thought it tasted pretty good.  It had a nice kick.  I actually don't remember tasting any shrimp, though.

Yolanda got the Bocadillo sammich (grilled squash, zucchini, mushroom, onion, halloumi, and Moroccan sweet-savory spread on toasted baguette, with a side of veggie fries).  I didn't try the sammich, but I did have a veggie fry.  It didn't have much taste at all.

We all enjoyed our food enough, and I think we all agreed on a three-star rating.  The traffic noise from Congress was hard to hear over, but that's obviously not Snack Bar's fault.

I think Snack Bar's main problem is what a lot of other people have mentioned in their reviews:  The fact that Snack Bar concentrates on so many different types of cuisine means that they'll never excel in any one cuisine.  Every restaurant I've ever been to that follows this practice excels only in mediocrity, so I was a bit worried going in.  I don't regret having bought the Living Social deal, but I don't see myself going back to Snack Bar.

Mulberry - 360 Nueces St, Austin, TX 78701

[cue music]:  "In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring."

Entering the tiny Mulberry restaurant, I realized only an Oompa Loompa would feel completely comfortable in there.  I also realized it was incredibly cold and the music was too loud for me to easily hear my brunching companions.  No matter, as all I really cared about was trying out the food.

I was the only person at the table of eight who didn't order a Mimosa ("candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker").  It took quite a while for our drinks to come out.  "The suspense is terrible; I hope it'll last!"  Unfortunately, the waitress dropped the drink tray on her way over.  Ohhh, that was a 9.5 performance until she dropped the tray. She'll suffer a loss on the technical rating, but the spill was quite artistic so she's safe in that respect.

I ordered the "Poached Eggs, Spinach, Tomato, Rustic Toast, Béchamel", but once I saw the "Poached Eggs, Calabrese Salami, Rustic Toast, Hollandaise", I had major plate envy.  That's when the Oompa Loompas started singing to me:

"Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da
If you're not greedy, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do"

Yeah, yeah, shut up, Oompa Loompas!

I enjoyed my meal, but the bread was difficult to slice.  Every time I tried to cut into it, the table violently shook and drinks nearly spilled... again.  Other people at my table had bread-sawing problems, too, so we ended up making some fun out of it.  After all, "a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."

I definitely want to go back and try the poached egg-salami dish.  I may have to just pick it up and eat it so I won't shake my drink off the table, though.

I cut out of there more quickly than I wanted to in order to meet other friends at another happening place.  "So much time and so little to do!  Strike that, reverse it..."

Crawfish Shack and Oyster Bar - 2013 Wells Branch Pkwy, Austin, TX 78728

I was running errands yesterday,
And Crawfish Shack was on my way.

"I've eaten there before and liked it," I pondered,
"I bet if I eat there again, my money won't be squandered."

Walking in, I saw several kids... I mean, squealing banshees.
I thought this was Crawfish Shack, not Chuck E. Cheese!

The buggers were screeching at high decibel levels.
The old maid in me cursed, "Go to hell, you undisciplined devils!"

I sat down and ordered shrimp po' boy and iced tea.
Better get shrimp while I still can.  Thanks, BP!

Anticipating my meal, I drooled like a Pavlovian dog.
Table next to me had good-looking crawfish and corn logs.

Got my po' boy and took a great big ol' bite.
An orgasm inside my stomach the sammich did ignite.

"Heaven... I'm in Heaven," I almost sang aloud.
Just like before, the po' boy had me wowed.

As I eyeballed surfing crab dolls and fake netting,
I asked for my check, but the waitress kept forgetting.

Banshees still screeching and running all around
Really made me wish I couldn't hear a sound.

Would I go back to Crawfish Shack for another po' boy crawl?
Yes, but I'll wait 'til the banshees are in school this fall.

Dynasty Chinese Restaurant - 8650 Spicewood Springs Rd, Austin, TX 78759

I've eaten at Dynasty probably three times in the last seven years, and I always remember liking what I got.  Well, okay, I always get the same thing: Walnut Shrimp (lightly fried shrimp with walnuts in a mayonnaise sauce).  I'm really picky about Chinese food, so when I find a dish I like, I rarely stray from it.

I decided to walk to Dynasty one recent evening for dinner, which the walking was necessary, as I'm sure that mayonnaise sauce is oh-so good for me.  The first thing I noticed upon arrival was a sign on the front door advertising Vietnamese coffee for $2.75.  Even though I'd just walked a mile to get there, I was still half asleep, so I think I technically sleepwalked over there.  I needed summa dat Vietnamese coffee STAT!

The second thing I noticed, upon walking in, was that Dynasty's aquarium was almost as empty as the restaurant (the absence of people was quickly the third thing I noticed).  The aquarium used to be filled with interesting fresh-water life, but now there was only a handful of goldfish.  I felt the lack of aquarium life and the lack of people was foreboding.

I was seated, and I ordered my usual Walnut Shrimp, with Egg Drop Soup and some Vietnamese Iced Coffee.  Water came out first, which I was totally thankful for.  The walk over there made me thirsty.  I set a new personal record; I chugged two huge glasses of iced water in less than five minutes.  It wasn't even that hot outside, so God only knows.

When my Vietnamese coffee came, I remembered that it had been about three years (at Odaku Sushi) since I'd had Vietnamese coffee, and I didn't remember what I was supposed to do with the little metal coffee-maker contraption atop the coffee cup.  One phone-Google search later, I found I was supposed to wait until all the coffee dripped into my cup, and then I was supposed to stir the condensed milk (in the very bottom of the cup) with the coffee, and then I was supposed to pour it over ice and apparently drink it very slowly.  I understood the slowly part, as I remembered Vietnamese coffee being strong, but do you really think I drank it slowly?  If you think not, you're a genius.  Or else you know me really well.

My food came out quickly.  The Walnut Shrimp was just as good and filling as I remembered it being.  As I ate, I kept expecting at least one other person to come in for dinner.  After all, it was 5:45 when I got there.  Alas, two other people showed up, but they only came to pick up phone-ordered food.  You'd think with such a lack of customers I'd get a lot of attention, but I really didn't.  On one hand that was fine, as I don't like to be harassed, especially when I'm eating, but I did need more water at one point and I never got it.

I started to grow concerned about getting out of there and getting home quickly, as I'd made plans to get together with Quani C. around 7pm.  She's going to give me her leftover partially cat-eaten stargazer lilies.  I currently have some stargazer lilies in my dining room, and Quani offered me hers to add to my collection (they're my favorite flowers).  Hopefully my cats will stay away from them.  They have so far, but I digress.  The manager gave me my check; I paid and got a fortune cookie, and got outta there.

My fortune cookie was disappointing:  "Time to order more fortunes.  Call Oriental Trading Company at 1-800-875-8480 today."

Margarita's Mexican Restaurant - 10280 W State Hwy 29, Liberty Hill, TX 78642

This place is literally in the middle of nowhere.  Liberty Hill is nowhere, right?  If you happen to be hungry, and at the intersection of Hwy 29 and 183, stop in and give this place a whirl.  The food isn't spectacular, but it isn't terrible.

My mother wanted to go here for Mother's Day lunch, so we journeyed from Sun City to Liberty Hill.  This is how I learned exactly where Liberty Hill actually is.  I'd heard of it and know a couple of people who live there, but I always figured it was south of Austin.  And that's what I get for figgerin'.

The restaurant is big with ample parking, and they have a few large booths to accommodate you and fifty of your closest friends, as well as a dining room that can be closed off for private parties.  The decor reminds me of an Arizona Denny's, though.

My mother wanted to start with queso, and I suggested we get the queso with taco meat and pico de gallo in it.  It was her day, and she didn't want chili con queso, so we got the regular queso.  And it was just... cheese.  Nothing else.  No spices at all.  I really didn't expect that we would've had to order the chili con queso to get any sort of oomph, but apparently that's what we should've done.  Well, actually, I kinda doubt the chili con queso would've had any spice in it.  Mom tried to help by sprinkling a boat-load of black pepper into the queso, but it didn't make it spicy at all; it just made it taste bad.  On the positive side, the cheese didn't taste like Velveeta.  Similarly bland was the salsa.  Mom wanted to go here because a couple of neighbors recommended this place, saying Margarita's has spicy food.  I asked where these neighbors are from.  Minnesota.  Well, there you go.  Never trust anybody from Minnesota about Tex-Mex, Mom!

I don't remember what either of my parents got for entrees, but I got the Supreme Dinner.  I think that's what it was called.  It came with two enchiladas, a beef taco, and rice and beans.  I opted for cheese enchiladas, as I always do, but the waitress brought me beef.  It didn't take her long to rectify the mistake, and I had the beef taco to munch on in the meantime.  That beef taco was decent but not great.  The cheese enchiladas were also decent but not great.  The service was decent but not great.  Everything about this place is decent but not great.

So Margarita's is a great place to stop if you happen to be in the area and haven't eaten in a few days, but I wouldn't suggest going out of your way to get there.

Oh, if you DO go anytime soon, try not to use the restroom if you're a woman.  They're currently renovating the ladies' bathroom right now, so only two toilets work.  And one of those working toilets is in a stall without a door.  I guess that's fine if you're an exhibitionist.  And there was barely enough toilet paper in that stall that did have a door.  Cool sinks and faucets, though

Burger Central - 1005 S Hwy 183, Leander, TX 78641

Off the beaten path in Leander, next to a feed store, is Burger Central.  Come in and get your fill of cow that may have fed on the hay sold next door.  And while you're there, stuff some ice cream into your pie hole.  Oops, they no longer sell ice cream at Burger Central.

The lovely Ellen J. and I met here for lunch.  We're the Workforce Rejects, so why not go out for a leisurely lunch?  We walked in and sat down in the front room, and were waited on by a friendly high-schooler.  Ellen and I each ordered the Caboose (your typical cheeseburger), and we discussed job-hunting strategies and horror stories as we waited for our food.

Ellen remarked later that her burger tasted good at first, but the longer she ate it, the less she liked it.  I have to agree.  As we sat there eating, discussing and dissecting, the lady sitting at a nearby table interjected with, "I agree with you two; the burgers aren't very good.  They're too mushy."  That's it!  That's the perfect way to describe it.  Despite being cooked medium-well (which should have been medium, actually), the burgers were, in fact, too mushy.  Like Ellen said, the bun was very good, but it wasn't good enough to hide the mushy excuse for meat that the patty was.  The fries were good, though.

I can't see making a return trip unless I'm feeling mushy.  Maybe I'll come here the next time I fall in love with a guy.

Dallas Night Club - 7113 Burnet Rd, Austin, TX 78757

I absolutely hate twangy country music and/or anything that suggests the City of Dallas or Dallitude.  After all, I spent my first twenty-three years living there (minus nine months in N'awlins), so can you blame me for hating it?  

Lisa M. told me one of her Meetup groups was going to Dallas Nightclub one certain night, and that a certain nice, stable divorced 36-year-old guy would be there, and she wanted to introduce me to him.  Possible love connection beats musical and city hatred, so I RSVPed yes with a different Meetup group that was going.

I was worried I would feel completely out of place at Dallas because of what I was wearing.  I don't own spurs, or 10-foot circumference belt buckles, or a ten-gallon hat, or even skinny tight jeans, so I figured I was in trouble wearing bellbottom jeans, stiletto sandals and a come-get-me top.  And yet, less than half the people at Dallas Nightclub were dressed like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.  We're off to a good start!

I found Lisa right away, and we each grabbed a drink and settled into a couple of chairs abreast the dance floor.  During the next couple of hours, Lisa did the boot-scootin' boogie with a lot of guys.  I was amazed that I got asked to dance nine times.  Unfortunately, I said no each time.  See, really the only partner dance I can do at all well is dirty dancing, and there wasn't any of that going on... not until later, at least.  So I had to explain to each potential dance partner that I only dance well alone, and that I have no earthly idea how to two-step or any such nonsense.  They were all very polite, though.

I noticed a guy on the dance floor who danced exactly like Ralph Kramden.  If you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQOLTU00-QY  It was pretty cool.

Lisa's masher was there.  I was familiar with her review, so I was really interested to get a look at this guy.  A Lady Gaga song inexplicably came on.  Wow, what a socially awkward bundle of spastic dance moves that masher was!  Lisa and I watched as he made a mockery of rhythmic bodily movement by doing some sort of uncoordinated jumping jacks (Lisa's description).  And then he would twist his waist around in a very awkwardly wide, slow, painful-looking circle.  Lisa said he had told her that he was working on a stand-up routine to perform at Cap City, and she was convinced his seizure-like dance recital was part of it.

Well, once the three of us got to talking, I asked about his Cap City thing.  He talked a bit about it and started spazzily dancing again, at which point I jokingly asked if his dance moves were a part of his act.  He was a bit offended.  Yeah, I have my social gaffes, too.  The three of us ended up dancing together to "Sexy Back", and Mr. Masher kept getting in Lisa's way as she was trying to twirl around.  Poor Lisa.  But at the same time... Heh!

Oooooh.... drinks!  Drinks are cheap here.  I got two bloody marys for $3.  And they were actually quite good, too.  Small, but good.  Spicy.  Verra verra spicy.

I can't believe I actually had a good time at Dallas tonight.  The country music was even tolerable.  I'll probably go back someday, and I might even be tempted to learn how to two-step, just so I won't have to turn down so many dance invitations.

Oh, and that guy that Lisa wanted to introduce me to?  He never showed, but I ran into some other Meetup friends and had fun until the bloody marys started singing me a lullabye.

I'm glad I no longer have to drive 200 miles on a boring stretch of highway to go to Dallas.

Uncorked Wine Bar - 900 E 7th St, Austin, TX 78702

Reasons you might like Uncorked:

1)  Patio is pooch-friendly.  Tara M's pit, Mia, had a happy time at Uncorked, with plenty of attention from servers and customers alike.  The employees will even bring out a water dish for Spot, or Fluffy, or whatever you named your dog.

2)  You can bring records to the Uncorked patio, on your way to Rio Rita for the record-player party, and not have to worry about them melting in the 93-degree sun.  Uncorked has ample trees to keep you shaded.  You might want to cover your drink, though.

3)  If you're with a bunch of women, you and your friends may discover yourselves as the subject of a local artist's rendering.  And said artist will thankfully enhance your bustline much more than God did.

4) Monday Happy Hour (3-7pm) means half-price glasses of whatever bottles are already opened, which is almost everything.

5)  Even illiterate people can order wine successfully here, as each wine on the menu has pictures to tell you what color it is, how sweet it is, what flavors you'll taste, etc.

The one and only bad thing about Uncorked:  Don't bring your quiet friends to the patio, at least not during rush hour (okay, so, that's pretty much always on 35).  You'll hear I-35 traffic noise much more readily than your socially timid friends.

Sprouts Farmers Market - 10225 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I was in the neighborhood, having just blown some money at Bed Bath & Beyond, and I needed milk.  Do I want to drive to H-E-B, or do I just want to get my grocery shopping over with at Sprouts since it's right here?  Sprouts won.

Walking in, I saw Sprouts for exactly what it was:  Whole Foods.  So I expected inflated prices.  Actually, the prices seem fair on about half the items.  In fact, the milk I got was only $1.99.  It's over $2 at H-E-B.  Score one for Sprouts!  However, they didn't have much toothpaste to choose from.  I was hoping for some run-of-the-mill Crest or something, but there were only specialty brands to be had at Sprouts.  That bothered me.  I understand carrying the specialty, green, organic, etc., brands, but can't you at least also carry one lousy tube of Colgate??  I got the cheapest brand, which cost over $5, and I didn't get a very big tube for the price.  So Sprouts loses a star.

The check-out girl was helpful, especially in explaining to me how to bag up things in the bulk foods section and write the box number on it.  Oops, I didn't do that.  Didn't know I was supposed to.  But now I know.  She didn't get pissed off that she had to look up the code, and she didn't treat me like an idiot; she simply explained the process, and that was that.  Much appreciated.  I'll know for next time.  And it's a good thing she was still watching me as I grabbed my bags and started to leave, because I almost ambled through the emergency exit.  Had she not warned me, I'm sure I would have set off some awful-sounding alarms.  Once again, I'll know for next time.

I certainly won't do my normal grocery shopping here because it's too expensive, and they simply don't have everything I need.  But if I need something special, green, organic, etc., I might stop in here again.  As it was, I got milk, toothpaste, dinner, raspberry-lime water, gummy worms, and some chocolate-covered espresso beans for $20, so that ain't too bad, methinks.

Maudie's - 10205 N Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78753

I'm really stuck on the fence about this one.  My entree stunk, but my app, and the chips and salsa, were good.  What's a girl to do?

I already knew I liked Maudie's chips and salsa; they're a sinus patient's dream.  I'd eaten them with a Corona or two at the Lake Austin location a couple of months ago.  I finally decided to try Maudie's for lunch.  Well, hmmm...

I'll start with the entree.  I got cheese enchiladas, which I think most of you know tends to be my go-to Messycan dish.  I like to draw comparisons among Messycan restaurants based on that dish, so there you go.  The enchiladas were average at the absolute best.  I can't completely put my finger on what I didn't like about them.  I think it was mainly the sauce.  It tasted like it flunked out of Chef Boyardee Culinary Academy.  The rice and beans were quite good, though, but I was pretty full by the time I got around to them.

Okay, the app... I got the Diablo Sol Food ("A savory blend of melted cheese seasoned with the tasty flavors of fresh garlic, onions and peppers, combined with our tender taco beef and pico de gallo.").  It was a flavor explosion in my mouth! Just enough cilantro without being too much, which is hard to do. There was a huge smack of flavor in every single bite, and the garlic gave it just the right kick.  I walked out of Maudie's black and blue from all that flavor excitement.  I don't normally like tomatoes or peppers, but I found myself eating them happily in this case.  The flavors created a medley better put together than anything Lennon and McCartney ever did in the music world, and that's really saying something because I'm the world's biggest Beatles fan. I desperately wanted to stand up and scream, "I am the walrus!"  But I didn't.

Service was fantastic.  I got everything I wanted and needed at the drop of a hat, and this is one of the few restaurants where I got the check in due time.  I'll definitely go back for more Devil's food.

La Feria - 413 N Bell Blvd, Cedar Park, TX 78613

Moseyed over here for lunch.  I've eaten here before and liked it, but they've apparently gone downhill in the last two years.

Upon entrance, I saw the sign that told me to seat myself, which I did.  Nearly ten minutes I waited to be greeted, to no avail.  Granted, I came at, like, 2pm, but still.  I suddenly felt as unwelcome there as Jim Belushi on prime-time TV.  Or movies.

As soon as I stood up to go looking around for service, that's when a waiter came over with chips and salsa.  I ordered my iced tea and cheese enchiladas lunch special (2 cheese enchiladas, rice and beans, tortillas, AND iced tea for $5.99).

The salsa was too watery, but it was decently spicy.  I mean, I came in there with sinus blockage, and I walked out feeling just fine and wiping my nose, so I have to give La Feria props for that. It still could have been spicier, though.  And chunkier.  Nonetheless, for my sinuses' sake, I ate the hell out of that salsa.

And here come my enchiladas.  The food was hot temperature-wise, but not spice-wise.  That's fine with me.  I frankly only care about my salsa being extremely spicy.  The beans and rice were pretty good, and the enchiladas were adequate.  I'd say a good three stars.  But where are my tortillas?  Wasn't I supposed to get tortillas with this meal?  The menu said I would get tortillas.  My waiter never came over to ask how the food was, so I couldn't ask about tortillas.  In fact, I didn't see him at all the whole time I was eating.

So I finished my meal and wanted my tortillas and check, but I didn't know what to do since my waiter was MIA.   I spied a register several feet away, so I decided to walk over there and wait for someone to notice me so I could pay my check.  Like before, as soon as I stood up, my waiter came over.  Apparently standing up is a secret code in this place.

I asked about tortillas, and he went and got me two white corn tortillas.  Two.  I'm sorry, but I can go to Camino Real and get more tortillas with my meal for the exact same price.  And the waiter didn't bring any butter with the tortillas, so he had to run another errand for me.

La Feria, your food is a good three stars, but your service sucks harder than a Hoover Deluxe.

620 Cafe and Bakery - 910 Round Rock Ave, Round Rock, TX 78681

Went here with a couple of other workforce rejects (lay-offs) like myself.

Service was great.  I didn't pay attention to our server's name, but she was very sweet and was on top of everything.  I did not want for anything. 

Food was great, but not fabulous.  It was about what I expected.  I had trouble deciding the night before what I would order, but I finally decided on the Big Ole Big (biscuits & cream gravy, three eggs over easy, two slices of bacon, ham, Texas link, and grits).  It was served on two huge plates that were met by a Danny Thomas spit-take by everyone at the table.  Everyone at the table was making bets as to whether or not I could clean my plates.  I didn't.

The eggs were actually a bit tough to cut, amazingly, but I didn't let that stop me from eating them.  (No egg shall remain uneaten in my kingdom!)  The huge-ass sausage link was good and greasy, but I chose to only have a couple of bites.  The bacon was pretty good, and the grits were decent.  I think the biscuits and gravy were the best things in my trough... er, plates.

The girl sitting across from me got some sort of salad, and she could have swam in the bowl; it was THAT huge.  Towards the end of the meal, girl-across-the-table (GAT) got a to-go box and used ninja moves to fill it up, as none of us witnessed her doing it.  We then saw her finishing off what was left in the bowl, and her neighbor said, "You ate that whole damn thing?!  It's always weird how the skinny people typically eat the most food!"  That's when GAT came clean and showed us her to-go box that was busting at the seams.

All the praises being sung, I'm a bit pissed.  Why am I pissed?  Because the prices on their website do not accurately reflect the prices on their hardcopy menu.  The Big Ole Big is priced at $9.49 online, but it actually costs $10.49.  It's not like I can't handle the extra buck, but I don't appreciate being given false information.  So if anyone from 620 Cafe is reading this, please get the lead out and update your website.

Parking here is a dream, but getting out of the lot is a nightmare.  When I left, there were five people ahead of me trying to get onto 620, and they were all turning left, which is why there was an ever-increasing line of cars.  I was the only poor sap turning right onto 620.  Ten minutes later, I finally exited the parking lot.  Beware.

Weirdo time-travel moment:  On my way out, I noticed a Christmas tree by the host stand.  Boy oh boy, this year sure did jet by quickly!  WTF?!

Crazy Cajun - 8557 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78758

Since approximately 1997, I have been on an on-again, off-again search for the bestest shrimp po' boy outside of New Orleans where I went to college.  My search began in Dallas, because that's where I lived at the time, and then my search migrated with me here in 2001.  Gene's once had my Bestest Shrimp Po' Boy award, but they're now closed.  And even though I've been to Nubian Queen Lola's twice, I have not yet been able to partake of a shrimp po' boy.

I finally got my scrawny ass over to Crazy Cajun to eat, but I was a bit alarmed when I entered and sat down.  Why was I alarmed?  Because the entire place smelled of vinegar, or perhaps some sort of weird cleaner.  'Twas really off-putting.

But I stayed and ordered an iced tea and a shrimp po' boy.  The iced tea almost tasted like cigarettes, which I never imagined was possible.  I looked in my glass for ashes, but I didn't find any.  Whatever tea they use, I sure hope I never accidentally buy it at the grocery store. 

The shrimp po' boy was okay, but I've had better.  The shrimp should have been much fresher, and the breading could have been better, but I wasn't completely disappointed with it.  The fries it came with were actually quite good, and this is coming from an almost completely non-french fry fan.

Service was excellent, which is, I'm sorry to say, the best thing Crazy Cajun has going for it.

While I was eating my grub and staring out the window, I saw a pick-up truck driving by with a tank in its bed that said "LIVE FISH".  I desperately tried to wave the guy over, but he didn't see me.  Not that he would have had any shrimp in his tank, but I assume the other seafood at Crazy Cajun is equally as unfresh as the shrimp, so I figured they could use the help.

Oh well, no shrimp po' boy is perfect.  Not outside of N'awlins, anyway.

Pour House Pub - 6701 Burnet Rd, Austin, TX 78757

4/23/10:

I wasn't going to write a review about Pour House because I simply can't think of much to say about them, but I think not reviewing it would be a completely sacrilegious act that would send me straight to hell. 

Of course I can't hold Pour House responsible for the nasty weather Austin experienced the evening my friends and I were there, but I was glad to see they had a covered stage area, and even more glad they allowed us to use it.  I was the second person there, but I stayed inside until the rest of my friends got there.  The bartender was friendly to me, but I was a bit unimpressed with their beer selection.  I looked behind the bar and didn't see anything on tap, so I asked what they had on tap.  Bartender says, "We don't have anything on tap; it's all in jugs."  WTF?  Is that some kind of joke?  It was right after he said that that I looked around and saw a back wall with several beers on tap.  M'kay... I'll have a 512 Pecan Porter.  "Sorry, but we're out of that one.  How's about a Guinness?"  Nah, too heavy for me.  I ordered some other beer, which they were also out of.  So now this place is reminding me a lot of BB Rover's, which is a bar in my neighborhood that is famed to have about 300 beers, yet I always have to play Twenty Questions with the waitress to figure out which beers they actually have in stock that day.

I finally, after three guesses, found a beer that Pour House had:  Live Oak Hefeweizen.  Perfect!  Set me up!

So I ended up outside chit-chatting with others, as more and more friends came to join us.  Our waitress, Roxy, was friendly and talkative, and she brought me Hefeweizen after Hefeweizen quick as a bunny.

I didn't order any food, but upon looking through the menu, I commented to a friend that the menu was almost exactly like the one at my favorite bar, The Hideout Pub.  Roxy later told us that the two are owned by the same people.  Shazaam!  I soon after learned they also own Bender, Barfly's, Mugshots, and Violet Crown (the newest member of the family).  I tried one of a friend's chili fries, which was good; we decided they probably put beer in their chili.  I do, however, think the sammich selection is much better at Hideout.  The jukebox selection was solid, just like it is at Hideout.

I think Pour House is a fine pub, but it just can't live up to Hideout's status in my mind, so Pour House is the Hideout's slightly less attractive younger sister whom you'd sleep with if the Hideout was too busy.  Hideout's closer to where I live and has a bigger inside (which makes her quite slutty. Get it?), and her servers and bartenders are even easier to get along with, and I feel more at home there.  Pour House does have a bigger patio, though.  So I guess that's like saying Pour House has a bigger rack, but her personality is boring.  Pour House also only has one toilet per gender, whereas Hideout has three each so Hideout is definitely sluttier, as she can handle more people.  Another point in Hideout's favor.

Fujiyami Japanese Steakhouse - 4815 W Braker Ln, Austin, TX 78759

I've already put this review off for a few days, so it's really now or never.  Five stars for the hibachi chef's show and the taste of the food (and the amount of food I got for my money), but minus one star for the incredibly slow service and heart-stopping amount of butter used.

I didn't need a whip to get our chef into shape, but our waiter deserved a few licks, as he was mostly absent and woefully inept.  I really wish restaurants that charge automatic gratuity would verbally tell you they're doing so when they drop the check because I forgot all about having read it on the menu beforehand, and I went ahead and accidentally tipped extra.  And who knows if the chef got any of that money.  If he did, then great, but if the waiter got all that dough, then I want my extra five bucks back.  FYI, Fujiyama adds automatic gratuity to parties of FOUR or more.  Yep, FOUR.

The chef put on a good show.  If you want a great hibachi experience, take your pals here instead of Kobe.  The hibachi show is pretty much the same anywhere you go, but the Fujiyama chefs do a better onion volcano than any other hibachi chefs I've seen (I watched three Fujiyama chefs do this).  Okay, okay, so I'm a sucker for the onion volcano, so SUE ME!  Most hibachi chefs douse the onions in oil, light it, and the flame goes out in seconds, but the Fujiyama chefs make it last a lot longer.  And, in fact, their version might be called an onion train, as they push the onions along the grill while blowing a train whistle, and the fire rages on for a good minute longer than it does at other hibachi restaurants.  It was almost as if the chef had lit a sparkler.  I know my description is lacking, so your best bet is to check it out for yourselves.

I got the Filet Mignon, which came with the standard rice, small salad, and "vegetables" (onions, cucumbers and mushrooms, the cucumbers of which I ate), and a handful of grilled shrimp (good).  The two most frequently used ingredients here are butter and soy sauce, but mainly butter.  Lots of butter.  Did I mention they use a truckload of butter?  Chicks could wrestle in the amount of butter they use for one table's food.  If you ate too much and fear being able to squeeze out the door upon exit, fear not, for the atrocious amount of butter that was used in your food will soak through your skin and help grease you out.  Every time I looked up from my plate, the chef was plopping another pound of butter onto the grill.

The salad was average filler, and the rice was buttery soy-saucey goodly.  I ate every bite of it.  I'd never eaten buttery filet mignon before Friday night, but it did taste good.  You won't catch me buttering up my own steaks at home, though.

For dessert, I tried the tempura ice cream, and I left wishing I'd never ordered it.  I'm sorry, but no.  I like tempura batter otherwise, but I discovered Friday night that ice cream should be eaten naked.  Take that statement as you wish.

County Line Bbq - 6500 Bee Cave Rd, Austin, TX 78746

My group sat on the patio overlooking the great view.  Too bad the weatherman lied when he said the weather would be gorgeous.  Nonetheless, the patio had a nice atmosphere.

I'd eaten at the Lake location, but never this one, so I was excited to try it.  I was also excited to order the pulled pork sammich.  Every time I've had it at the Lake location, it leaves me wanting more.

Well, I was disappointed to learn that you can't order from the full menu if you sit on the patio, which meant I couldn't get the pulled pork sammich.  I really don't understand this rule and why it's in place, but because of this rule I can't give County Line a full recommendation.  I ordered the brisket sliders off of the tiny appetizer menu (the rest of the patio menu was drinks and desserts).  As soon as I'd finished my sliders, the manager told us that he would allow us to order from the full menu since we had such a large group.  Well, gee, that's nice of ya, but I wish you guys had decided this when we first got there.  I mean, I've already finished my meal, and it's not like you guys didn't know we were coming, as our group's organizer called to let you know of our arrival ahead of time.

As for the sliders, they were good but dry.  I really had to slop on the bbq sauce.  And I'm wondering if County Line has started making/using a different bread for the bread baskets, as I remember the bread being better than what we got last time.

Service was fine aside from the menu snafu, but I can't help being slightly disappointed in the food.  Not terribly disappointed, mind you, as the meat was tasty, but dry barbecue is as unwelcome to my palate as Bob Saget is to prime-time TV.

Well, whatever.  I'll give the Lake location another shot and leave this one alone since the Lake location is closer to my house anyway.

Midori Sushi - 13435 N Highway 183, Austin, TX 78750

I remember this place having better sushi a few years ago. 

I ordered the Rock and Roll (cucumber, tempura shrimp, masago... I opted for no avocado) first, as one roll anywhere usually fills me up.  For $8.95 I got only five pieces, and they tasted almost completely like cucumber.  I was hoping the shrimp would be the most pronounced part of the roll.  I ate it all, but I was hoping to get more roll for my money.  I figured at lunch, I'd get more for $8.95, but I was sorely mistaken.   The tempura shrimp was good... when I was able to taste it.

Since the roll failed to fill me up, I ordered the tempura appetizer (shrimp, squash, carrots, and onions).  The veggies were very good, but I noticed the shrimp (much longer pieces than what was in the roll) had not been deveined, which was a big turn off.

Service was great, but it's not enough to make me come back.

It's too bad Midori has gone downhill, but for my money I know I can get better rolls elsewhere.  I hate to say this, but sayonara, Midori.

Gourdough's Donuts - 1219 S Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78704

Gourdough's:  Part II of Catherine T.'s and Lisa M.'s S. Lamar trailer dining experience

Let's remember that I was slightly tipsy last time I went here, and my memory is therefore a bit hazy.  Let's also remember that the first time I ordered a Mama's Cake donut at Gourdough's, I was robbed of cake batter and was none too enthused about it.

After having gorged ourselves at Odd Duck, Lisa and I decided to say "Fuck you!" to the scale and order up some fried goodness.  I don't think Lisa had eaten at Gourdough's before, so I was excited to see her reaction to the food.  She ordered two donuts, one to take home to her hubby, and I got the Mama's Cake again.

The donuts took forEVAH to come out.  Lisa and I worried after a while that they'd lost our orders, so we went up and checked.  Nope, they hadn't lost our orders; they were just extremely busy.  No problem.

My Mama's Cake came out first, and I immediately dove in.  The cake batter was plentiful this time.  This might possibly be because I practically begged the counter dude to give me a lot since I had only gotten a half tablespoon of the stuff in my previous donut.  There was so much cake batter in the most recent donut, that I became a victim of assault and cake-battery.  I can't recall if I slobbered on the table while plugging my mouth full of chocolate cake-batter goodness, but I wouldn't be surprised if Lisa got incriminating photos of me doing so.  Lisa got a Funky Monkey and something else.  She let me try a bit of the Funky Monkey, and it was great.  Y'know, I seem to remember her eating the other donut -- the one she was going to take home to hubby.  If I'm right, then I guess that proves how good Gourdough's is:  A marriage made in Heaven is no match for a Satan-kissed donut.

Odd Duck Farm To Trailer - 1219 S Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78704

Lisa M. and I ended up here after splurging and merging at Opa! down the street.  Neither of us had tried Odd Duck, and both of us wanted to, so it was as simple as that.  Parking behind the trailers was not hard to find.

Once we got there, I realized I was a bit tipsy from the wine at Opa! earlier, so I realized I needed food and water STAT!  I don't remember what Lisa ordered (frankly, I was all concerned with what I ordered and then getting us a table), but I got grits with soft boiled duck egg, rabbit and mushrooms ($6).  I loves me some grits, and I'd never eaten rabbit nor duck egg before, so I was very much looking forward to trying something new.  I seem to recall getting my water for free.  I asked for some "tap water with ice" (because I didn't want to pay for anything else), but was given a chilled bottle of water.  I am almost completely sure I only shelled out a total of $6, though, so... AWESOME!

Lisa and I sat down and flirted with the idea of trying Brevita.  I was running out of cash, and we'd already decided to go for the extra weight gain at Gourdough's after dinner, so Brevita was out.

Odd Duck brought our meals out to us, and WOW!  I actually got more food in my bowl than I thought I would; I had no need to order a second dish.  The rabbit meat tasted good and interesting, but it seemed slimy and fatty.  Nevertheless, the rabbit gave the dish a nice hop.  The soft-boiled duck egg with the grits was an excellent combination, and it then occurred to me that I had chicken eggs and grits at home.  Yeah, so guess what I did when I got up today?  Yep, I microwaved some eggs, microwaved some grits, and put them together.  Since the eggs weren't soft-boiled, they were a disappointment when compared to the way Odd Duck makes them.  Henceforth, I'll cook the eggs on the stove.  The duck egg yolk bleeding into the grits at Odd Duck was a wonderful taste, and it left me wanting more!

I seem to recall having a few orgasms while eating this grit/egg concoction, and Lisa was doing the same while eating her fare.  I'm sure we got a few strange looks.  I don't really dig mushrooms, but Lisa took some of those off my hands... er, from my bowl.

Next time I see "grits with soft boiled duck egg, rabbit and mushrooms" on Odd Duck's online menu, I'm heading down there.  Don't worry, I'm sure I'll go back before that to try out some other stuff.  The cauliflower soup sounds yummy.

Opa! Coffee and Wine Bar - 2050 S Lamar Blvd, Austin, TX 78704

*BREAKING NEWS*

Catherine T. went to Opa! Coffee and Wine Bar this afternoon with other females.  She stood atop one of the swings at Opa and exclaimed, "I'm in LOVE!  I'm in love with the Messina Hof they served today!"

We go now to Sienna Bush, live at the scene.  Sienna, what can you tell us?

Sienna:  Well, Katie, it's pure pandemonium here.  Ms. T. is still on Opa's swing exclaiming how much she loves the Messina Hof that was served here earlier at half price:

Catherine T:  I'M IN LOVE.  I'M IN LOVE WITH  MESSINA HOF!  WOWWIE WOWWIE WOWWIE!  THANK YOU, OPA!  THANK YOU!

Sienna:  Ms. T., what else can you tell us about Opa?

Catherine T:  They have just about any wine from which you could choose, and if you get one from an already opened bottle, it's half off!  Oh, and you can't just stop at one... er, *wine*... get yourself a side of feta and pita chips, or moussaka.  That feta and pita is some good stuff.  And if you behave, you might even see a belly dancer!  WOWWIE!  Opa's chocolate mousse cake looks and smells good, but I can't vouch for its taste because I didn't eat any.  Wanted to, but didn't.  Two bad things:  Only the first coffee refill is free (but I didn't go all that way to drink coffee), and there's no waiter service; you have to go inside to order, which is annoying.  But with all that alcohol and possible food consumption, the exercise of getting up and trucking it to the bar is necessary for some of us.

Sienna:  So, Ms. T., will you come back to Opa?

Catherine T:  Opa! will always have a swing guest, for as long as she needs one.

Sienna:  Sienna Bush reporting from Opa! Coffee & Wine Bar, K-FUK Austin.  Back to you, Katie Holmes.

Monument Cafe - 500 S Austin Ave, Georgetown, TX 78627

I ventured to Sun City yesterday to visit my parents.  See, Mom's been telling me about the neighbors' son.  He's single, 34, laid-off, and opening a gun shop in Georgetown next month, and I should come over yesterday to meet him because he's been spending a lot of time at his parents' house this week.  Oh perfect, because two currently laid-off people would make a wonderful match.  Well, neighbor-boy wasn't at his parents' house yesterday, so I essentially made this trip, in my best bib and tucker, all for nothing.  But the 'rents and I figured we may as well go out for a late lunch as long as I was there, and we finally decided on Monument Cafe.

They had a chalkboard listing of five or six local farms from which they get their produce, one of which was Monument Cafe's own garden.  We looked for it on the way back to the car, walked all around the restaurant, but we couldn't find it.  It must be like the Garden of Eden... you know, nonexistent.

My parents each got the club sammich, my dad's without mayo, with sweet potato fries.  When the food came out, my dad's sammich had mayo on it, and it amazingly only took our waiter about three minutes to realize something was wrong and to take care of it.  Our waiter was not very attentive.  Well, actually, my dad seemed to be the High-Tea prince, as he got tea refills almost as soon as he needed them.  My mother and I had to wait several minutes and actually flag down the waiter to get our refills.  And this waiter doesn't know much about consolidation.  He brought two of our drinks out, and then went and got the third (two iced teas and a water).  Have you never heard of a tray??  That way, see, you could get everything out in one fell swoop instead of having to make multiple trips.  And when my mother asked for a straw, the waiter had to go get one (which somehow took him around two minutes longer than it should have).  The servers here have pockets in their white server jackets, so there's no reason our waiter should have been without straws.  He never did fill his pocket up with straws.  I heard the table behind us ask for a straw at one point, and they later commented that it took the waiter way too long to get said straw.

I ordered the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and fruit salad.  I expected the CFS to have a crunchier breading than it did, but the breading they used was still good.  I enjoyed the CFS.  The fruit salad was a Waldorf sort of concoction with skinned apples, bananas, oranges, and pecans.  I think the cream sauce should have been thicker, but I wasn't unimpressed with the dish.  The mashed potatoes were very creamy and thick, but they tasted like wax.  And before you think my taste buds are simply from Mars, I gave my dad a taste and he agreed with me.  I think they need to keep the candles out of the kitchen when they're making mashed potatoes.  The 'rents enjoyed their meals, too.

I was somewhat tempted to order dessert, but with how flaky our waiter had been, I figured the process of actually getting dessert would take too long, so I declined.

And oh, the very back booth on the right side of the restaurant is apparently where the employees stick all the families with annoying toddlers.  My parents and I were seated at the booth right in front of the infamous one, at which point there was a 2-year-old girl sitting there treating the booth like it was her own personal sound stage.  I couldn't hear anything either of my parents said to me while that hyena sat behind us.  They thankfully left about halfway through our meal, and I could suddenly hear my parents again, but another family with another badly-behaved rugrat was almost immediately seated there.  At one point, this kid threw his used straw onto our table.  And do you think the parents apologized to us?  Nope.  Worthless parents with kids who belong in a zoo are obviously not the fault of Monument Cafe, but if you dislike toddlers -- especially misbehaved ones -- as much as I do, simply refuse to sit at the second to the farthest booth on the right side of the restaurant if it is offered to you.  You'll thank me.

CR Surf and Turf - 601 E Whitestone Blvd, Cedar Park, TX 78613

I hate to drag this place down, but the service and food I got just weren't up to par.  It seems everyone else who reviewed this place had a great experience.  Did I enter the restaurant with a rain cloud over my head?

This restaurant is like a movie that looks really good in the trailers, but once you get in the theater and start watching, you can't wait for the end credits to roll.  Or maybe it's like that guy whom you'd imagined was a great lover, but then you find yourself faking an orgasm, hoping it'll hurry him up so it'll be over sooner.

I drove down 1431 between Bell and 183 three times before I finally found the place.  I'm not blaming them for this, but it still hacked me.  But I assumed, based on other reviews, that the food would be good, so I took a deep breath and went in with high hopes.  Sat at the counter and watched as a server futzed around behind the bar, completely ignoring me.  I figured he was busy, so I waited a few minutes.  Five minutes went by, but no one said said anything to me.  I saw the waiter come out of the kitchen and I thought he saw me, and I started to raise my hand and say something, but he immediately disappeared into the kitchen again.  If I hadn't gone to such pains to find this place, I would have just left at this point, but I sat there and hoped for the best.  It only took another minute or so for the waiter to reappear, and he actually came over and asked what I wanted.  Imagine that!

He wasn't the nicest guy (he never once smiled the entire time I was there, and he acted as if my presence was a complete inconvenience), but I went ahead and ordered a shrimp po' boy and an iced tea anyway.  Waiter gave me a basket of chips that were actually quite good, so I happily munched on those and gulped from my incredibly large iced tea glass.

The shrimp po' boy was barely passable.  I was expecting something much better.  The bread was fine, and the tartar sauce was good, but the shrimp weren't fresh.  That's when I noticed the waiter's work shirt:  "If it ain't fresh, it's bait."  Okay, so I should expect fresh seafood here.  I know we're not on the coast, but I figure if Quality Seafood can give me fresh shrimp, CR should be able to do the same, especially if their shirts suggest it.

I ate most of the po' boy, but only because I'd driven around so much and because I wanted to get my money's worth.  Well, despite eating most of the sammich, I still don't think I got my money's worth.  The shrimp was a bit tough besides not tasting fresh.  I've gotten fresher shrimp at Long John Silver's.  It certainly wasn't the worst po' boy I've ever had, but it was incredibly far from the best.  'Twas mediocre, I'd say.

The waiter didn't check on me once to see if I needed anything (I needed fresher food and a better server, but I doubt he could have provided me with that).  I managed to get his attention and ask for my check.  My bill was $10.50.  I plopped down a twenty and finished eating.  The waiter was quick to take my money and put it in the drawer, but he failed to give me any change.  I waited a tick because I thought, I dunno, maybe he needed to get more change from the safe in the back, or something, but he sat down behind the counter and started watching the TV.

Me:  Hey, where's my change?
Dumb-ass:  You wanted change from that?
Me:  You did see it was a twenty, didn't you?
Dumb-ass:  Yeah.
Me:  [impatiently] Do you seriously think I meant to give you a 90% tip?  You could have at least asked if I wanted change.

He didn't even deserve a 15% tip, but I left him two bucks anyway. 

Antonio's Mexican Restaurant - 12602 Research Blvd, Austin, TX 78759

I ended up at Antonio's because I hadn't eaten there since before they left their old building on Jollyville.  I was tired of having that stupid Kerbey Lane right there, but I was hoping Antonio's would keep their old location and something completely different would take over Kerbey Lane's spot.  Nonetheless, I gave Antonio's another shot because I seemed to remember liking their food pretty well.

I went around 3pm, so there was hardly a soul in the restaurant.  Ahhh, I can BREATHE!  And, ooooooh, "FASHION!  Turn to the left... FASHION!  Turn to the right..."  I was expecting the typical Latino music, but this '80s satellite station will do much better!

Gary greeted me the very second I walked in.  He reminded me, both in looks and personality, of my good friend, Steve, who lives in Dallas.  Gary asked if I wanted to sit outside on the back patio, to which I said yes.  I went back there, and Gary set me up with an iced tea and a Mexican martini.

I ordered the Enchilada Dinner (cheese, with chile con carne sauce).  And, DAMN, that was a delicious Mexican martini!  It wasn't strong enough, though.  The one I had at Camino Real up the street knocked me on my ass... and I remember realizing it was a good thing I'd *walked* over there that evening.  So Antonio's needs to remind the bartender to include alcohol in the drinks.

The chile con carne sauce made the enchiladas taste almost like they'd sat on the kitchen line for a while and had been reheated, but I knew that couldn't be the case because of the time involved.  They must just use some funky recipe for chile con carne.  The enchiladas themselves tasted just fine, though I've had better.  I said earlier that Gary reminded me of my friend who lives in Dallas.  This lead me to think of my favorite restaurant up there, El Fenix.  THE best Mexican restaurant I've ever had the pleasure of patronizing, and it's a pity that my parents no longer live in Dallas, as I now have little excuse to drive up there.  El Fenix is the kind of Mexican restaurant at which I'd proudly gorge myself every day if I thought my thighs could handle it.  Antonio's can't compete with El Fenix, I'm afraid, but they're third best in my book (behind Camino Real).

The rice and refried bean paste were wonderful, but the salsa was poor.  It tasted good, but it wasn't spicy at all.  I was under a sneak allergy attack all day yesterday, so I was hoping for something to open up my sinuses, but no go.  Frankly, I recently discovered that if you want spicy salsa, Maudie's ain't bad, but don't count on Antonio's to spin your dial.

I'm sure I'll go back.  The back patio is great, even if the drinks and salsa won't take me to another world while I'm there.  Nothing beats decent Messycan food with '80s music to masticate to.  Frankie says relax (at Antonio's with a tasty weak Mexican martini).

Fabi + Rosi - 509 Hearn St, Austin, TX 78703

I feel like writing my review as a fake phone conversation with Fabi and Rosi:

(last Wednesday)

F&R:  Hello?
Me: Hi.
F&R: ....
Me:  ....Oh yeah... uh, I ate there last night.
F&R:  Did you like it?
Me:  Well, pretty much.  Great service, but the food could have been much better.  I wanted to give you guys 4 stars on Yelp, but I just can't get past, like, 3.5 stars.
F&R:  And why is that?
Me:  Well, I got the escargot to start out with, and it had onions in it.  Onions.  Why did it have onions?
F&R:  That's just the way we make it.
Me:  Personally, I think the onions made the escargot taste subpar.  And the parsley butter wasn't a good idea, either.  Justine's and Gumbo's make better escargot.
F&R:  Sorry to hear that.  We'll definitely take that into serious consideration.
Me:  And then I ordered the Natural Chicken Breast, which was enjoyably lightly fried and delicious, but the breast was a little tough.  The mashed potatoes it came with were akin to a culinary orgasm, though.  I was hit with an unfamiliar urge.  An urge to stealthily sneak into the kitchen and steal the pot in which the mashed potatoes were cooking, at which point I would escape into the parking lot, shoveling the mashed potatoes into my pie-hole at rapid speed before the manager would, undoubtedly, catch me...
F&R:  Um... okay... that's, um... great!
Me:  ...but I was the only person at my table who recognized that those other things on my plate were carrots.  Those blackened things?  Yeah, carrots.  And the only reason *I* knew they were carrots was because the menu said so.  Oh, and the spinach was way too salty.
F&R:  Alright, well, we'll take all of that into consideration.
Me:  Good.  Oh, and the dark chocolate mousse I got for dessert?  I had to really strain to taste the chocolate.  I mean, five bites and I could hardly taste anything at all.  The whipped cream had a lot more taste, and I think that's really saying something.  That was disappointing after the mashed potato orgasm.  So I gave the mousse to some fat guy sitting across from me.
F&R:  Well, that's, um, really charitable of you.  We'll try harder on that mousse.
Me:  I hope so.
F&R:  Try us again in the future.  I'm sure we can do better, what with our fairly high Yelp rating.
Me:  Okay.  Will do.  I want to say again that the service was excellent.  Definitely high quality.  And because of that, I'll go ahead and give you guys four stars, even though you really only deserve 3.5.
F&R:  Wow, well...
Me:  Bye now.  *click*

I don't know why, but the "Family Guy" episode I was just watching on hulu.com somehow inspired that fake phone call.  I think "Family Guy" just inspires laziness in me.  Or should I call it *creativity*?

Gloria's - 3309 Esperanza Xing, Austin, TX 78758

I'm sorry, but no.  Gloria's didn't do it for me.  At all.  I went with a group for lunch.  The service we got, despite our group being big, was quite good, but the food was terrible.

I was excited to try the black bean dip and the salsa, but my excitement quickly faded when I discovered how bland and overpoweringly tomatoey the salsa was.  I think they could have employed some different flavors in there if they'd tried, but they didn't.  The black bean dip was better, but it was by no stretch great.  I was hoping this stuff would set my mouth afire, to no avail.

For lunch, I got the Tostada Dinner.  It had ground beef, refried bean paste, queso fresco (the crumbly white cheese), lettuce, tomatoes, and sour cream.  Each of these tostadas was built as if I had a mouth that would open to the height of the Sears Tower.  But it didn't much matter, as almost every single topping fell off of each of my tostadas as I initially picked them up.  Way to go, guys.  This is why you shouldn't over-shovel the toppings onto the tostada shell, unless you're going to give me another shell on top to anchor everything.  Bah!

I couldn't taste the queso fresco at all (this was after I lumped everything back onto my tostada shell via fork).  I think shredded cheddar, or pepper jack, would have been better.  And the lettuce?  It was Romaine.  I like Romaine lettuce, but I think it really stifles Mexican food.  And, well, there was just too much of it [see earlier rant about my tostadas falling apart].  I tried removing the Romaine again, so I could actually taste the meat, beans, etc, but then everything else fell off the shell again.  This was a Laurel and Hardy bit in the making, folks.  I finally just ate the meat and beans on each shell and called it quits.  Those ingredients tasted just fine, but I honestly couldn't tell they were actually on there until I removed most of the lettuce.

Oh, and our lunch menu had my meal priced at $10.99, yet the online lunch menu I just eyed has it priced at $7.99.  WTF?  Is this a special screw-Austin lunch menu?

Never again.  G-L-O-R-I---NAY!

Apoyhecary Cafe & Wine Bar - 4800 Burnet Rd, Austin, TX 78756

Something I discovered at Apothecary:  They offer gluten-free and vegan options.  I'm not a celiac patient, nor am I a vegan, but I thought the rest of you might want to know.

I got a groupon for this place a month or two ago, and I decided to finally use it.  My friend, Arran, works for the state just up the street, so I asked her to meet me at Apothecary after work.  I was greeted with water, and three different menus, which was almost like going to a doctor's office and being greeted with all that pesky paperwork.  One was the rotating glass wine menu; another was the bottled wine menu; and the third was the food menu.

Arran couldn't have gotten there soon enough; I was raring to order.  I don't remember what wine she got, but she also ordered a Smoked Turkey and Brie Panini.  I got a glass of the Paraiso Chardonnay, and the Brie, Pear and Honey Panini (it came with truffle oil and arugula).

The wine was good.  I'm no oenie, so I can't tell you if I got my groupon's worth from that glass.  I can tell you that I apparently have the uncanny natural ability to expertly pair wine and food.  The sammich was simply fabulous.  The sweetness of the pears nicely balanced the brie and truffle oil.  I could have taken or left the arugula, though.  Arran thoroughly enjoyed her sammich, as well as the chips.  Those chips were some heavily peppered mothers that amazingly didn't throw me into a coughing fit.  I've said this in previous reviews, and I'll say it again:  A little bit of pepper goes a long way.  Arran disagreed with me; she thought the chips had the perfect amount of pepper on them.  Sheesh!

Employee Brittany (wonderfully friendly gal) came over and offered to let us taste some other wines.  Boy howdy!  We tasted as many as she would let us.  I don't remember the names of any of them, but the final one we tried we each liked best.  It had starfruit, with a grapefruit punch.  Or was the grapefruit a completely different wine?  Did I mention we tasted several different wines, and that there was no spit bucket?

Arran and I worked a crossword puzzle, at which we excelled.  We simultaneously played the wine-tasting game.  We each wrote down what ingredients we thought were in each wine, and we each adopted the personalities and mannerisms of Frasier and Niles Crane, just to make it more fun.  Unlike Frasier and Niles, Arran and I totally stunk at this game.  I think she got one ingredient of one wine correct, while I got none.  But it was something fun to do while we waited for rush-hour traffic to end.

I don't get to the Rosedale area very often, but next time I'm there I will definitely stop in at the Apothecary for a dose of grape-flavored "medicine".

Mimi's Cafe - 10515 N Mopac Expy, Austin, TX 78758

Occasionally you have a review to write that just doesn't want to be written.  A review you procrastinate writing for two weeks because you're uninspired to write it.  A review that makes you want to yank out all your teeth if it would make you forever forget about the guilt you feel for having put it off.  This is one such review.

My first two experiences at this Mimi's location were great, but my third was just average.  The first experience was sometime in the summer of 2009.  I'd gone with a group for brunch.  They gave us each a brunch menu AND a lunch menu, and my head started spinning because of the vast number of choices I had.  I'm rarely indecisive about anything, but food never ceases to produce inner ambivalence.  When I'm at work, my first 4-5 hours on the job are spent using a fraction of my brain to figure out where I want to eat for lunch.  I go back and forth, over and over.  I write down the names of the various restaurants that are intriguing my taste buds, and I tear the slips apart, mix them up, and then pick one, telling myself I will eat at the restaurant whose name I picked, come hell or high water.  And then I decide that I don't really want to eat at the restaurant I picked, and the whole exhausting process resumes.  Mimi's is therefore not a good restaurant for someone like me.

I noticed some of the dishes are repeated on the menu, in that you can get the full-fledged meal or a smaller version with something else added or subtracted.  The day of that brunch, I think I got the Quiche Lorraine, which was passable, and it came with an exceptionally tasty Buttermilk Spice muffin.  A friend gave me one of his chicken tenders, which was very good.

My parents took me to Mimi's for my birthday last year, as I'd received an email birthday coupon.  My mom got the Quiche Lorraine and thought it was pretty good.  Dad got the Meatloaf Ciabatta and liked it.  I got Mimi's Original Pain Perdu Breakfast (scrambled eggs, bacon, potatoes, Buttermilk Spice muffin, French toast with mascarpone/orange marmalade, and grapefruit juice).  I was amazed at how much food I got for the money.  I was also amazed that I apparently have lost my taste for French toast.  I used to love it, but I've had it at three or four restaurants in the last year, and none of it was very good.

The eggs were average, and the bacon was great.  The potatoes remained uneaten, at least by me.  The Buttermilk Spice muffin was excellent, as usual, and the grapefruit juice was a nice touch.  Our waitress was excellent, too.

About a week later, Colin, Scott, and I went to Mimi's for a quick bite.  I got the chicken tenders and a Mojito.  The Mojito came in an extremely tall glass with an even longer straw, which made it impossible to simply slide the glass across the table and lean over to drink from the straw, unless I was Yao Ming.  I had to take it off the table and lower it about a foot to be able to successfully drink from said straw.  And it was a bit too rum-heavy for my taste.  I enjoyed the drink, but I've had better Mojitos elsewhere.

My chicken tenders were not as good as the last time I'd eaten one, and something was wrong with the side of ranch dressing.  I don't know exactly what was wrong with that dressing, but it tasted like it had gone bad, or something.  I should have asked for some gravy, but I just ate my chicken tenders naked.  Er, the chicken tenders were naked; I was fully clothed.  With the tenders came a huge pineapple wedge, and some grapes.  I very much liked that.

We also got some cinnamon beignets that were delicious.

The email coupons will likely keep me coming back.